Does this feel familiar to you?
You get quiet, listen to nudges and start getting the sinking feeling that what you are being called to do (whether you see this as in internal longing or part of something bigger) is not what you want.
It sucks but it happens quite a lot.
It happens to me semi-regularly.
The first calling I REALLY really really railed against was to train as a coach.
Oh God, really? Do I have to become something so lame and so visible? What were all my academic colleagues going to say? Would I lose all my credibility? Would I lose my income and security?
It all sounded way too hard. It felt terrifying. Uncomfortable. Very.
Unfortunately, at some level it also felt bloody fantastic.
So I gnashed my teeth and got a little braver every day about it. I dared to daydream about the possibilities.
Look where I am now! L.O.V.E. loving it! Seeing client's lives change and buzzing off their buzzing!
But I'm in the middle of another calling I don't want now. One to be much more into my spiritual life.
Oh Lord. No. Anything but.
More meditating and prayer even. Prayer, what?!
Holding more deeply the pain and needs of those here and around in the world.
Honestly. I. Dont. Want. To.
Living into deeper integrity too. Yikes. I'm talking not even smiling when I don't mean it.
More of what some call woo woo and others call plain delusional. Stuff that frankly has been a big part of me for, well, forever but I am scared to really embrace.
I don't feel like I have the time, the patience or the emotional bandwidth.
I couldn't think of anything worse in so many ways. It scares the pants off me. It presses all my buttons. Isn't it always the way!
Just today I was doing media training at university and loving being an expert sharing the evidence I have worked so hard to collect and understand.
I've realised that my greatest fear is that I wont be able to do that anymore, that I will be discredited and the change I'm working for in the world of research will be dismissed because of my spiritual beliefs.
But then I remember that no-one discredited Einstein because of his spiritual beliefs, nor my Dad's petroleum technical advice to government because of his religion.
So today I'm being brave, because I know the brave road is the road to freedom and wholeness.
What brave road could you decide to take, ever so slowly and gently?
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