Everything is great except... what behaviour(s) are you holding onto and why?

Most of us have something in our lives which we are not 100% happy with that has been hanging around for quite a while.

We say we don't like it, we complain about it and yet it seems to be mighty comfortable in our lives!

Does any of this ring a bell?

Everything is fine except...

that I spend more money than I have every month

that I don't like my job and haven't for months or years

that I don't see my friends much

that I don't get around to exercising

that I still have this weight I want to lose

that I lose so much time to being online

and so on...

The conversation that has been taking place internally or between you and your compadres may have been going on a long time. 

So pray tell, why is it still happening?

The answer: It's working for you.

You don't have to like it for it to be doing a job for you.

So it's time to ask, what's it's purpose. Get honest.

Does that behaviour...

Get you out of trying and potentially failing?

Protect your image and identity?

Stop you from grieving what you need to?

Stop you from facing what you don't like in your life?

Keep you playing smaller than you would?

Protect you from the negative judgement of others?

Make you feel safe (a big one with women and unwanted weight)?

Protect you from reliving past heartbreak? e.g. commitment phobe after a big heart break

The bottom line is that these self-sabotage behaviours are often, but not always, about avoiding vulnerability. They are really self-protection behaviours that aren't so helpful. 

The challenge is to dig deep and work out why you're really hanging onto that unwanted behaviour and then what you might do about it. 

Talk with a trusted friend, coach or counsellor and get some clarity around the behaviour, then, if you wish, find a new way of protecting yourself, one that lets you grow and thrive.

With love,
Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Mindful eating: Ultimate toddler challenge edition

Here's a tale of when mindful eating meets sharing lunch with a toddler...

I recently attended a yoga retreat that had periods of compulsory silence and sessions of mindful eating. Even in this artificial (but lovely) environment of serenity, mindful eating was something that took a lot of concentration.

So what happened back home? Eh, it didn’t go as I hoped…

This is where the mindful eating toddler challenge appears.

I don’t think Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh included this challenge in his book ‘Savour’ on mindful eating!

So let me take you back to my last mindful eating attempt.

Yes, attempt.

I’m not claiming perfection here, I think mindfulness is like quitting smoking, you keep trying again and again until it gets easier and easier.

Yesterday’s lunch with my toddler took my efforts in mindful eating to ultimate fighter level.

After rejecting most of her lunch, my daughter insisted on sitting on my lap and trying to feed me my meal.

Parenting is a primary form of personal growth work, like it or not!

While she complained, rejected her food and tried to shove food in my mouth, the tally for the first few minutes was:

• Mindful eating attempts – 3
• Fun moments with my daughter – 1
• Irritation moments – 1…100.

This was going to be harder than I had anticipated (shouldn’t I know better by now?!).

My little darling then ramped up the ultimate challenge to pretending to call her friend during lunch about twenty times.

The kicker was that I was the only one to answer the ‘call’ and no outcome to the phone call was considered satisfactory! I tried to taste my meal and eat slowly, in between these ‘urgent’ calls. I got more and more frustrated.

The thought ran through my head “You’re stopping me from enjoying my lunch”.

It made me more annoyed, until I realised it wasn’t true.

My thoughts about her lunchtime antics were making me annoyed. She was simply playing and yes, to a certain extent, doing a toddler button pushing extravangza.

So then I though of Byron Katie’s inquiry:

Is this thought bringing me peace?

It certainly was not! It was making me more annoyed and creating tension in my body. How could I turn it around?

I am stopping myself from enjoying my lunch (with my reaction to her play).

I came back to my body – my breath, my bottom in the seat, the sounds and sights around me, the taste of the food.

A moment after that my mind cleared enough to remember the idea of living with intention.

What was my intention in this interaction?

Like all of us, no one intends to be irritable instead of playful with our children, we don’t intend to stress relationships instead of strengthening them. I’m a big believer in imperfection in parenting and in the importance of reconnection.

We will never be perfect parents (and we don’t need to be). Life will get to us, but we can repair relationships after the small and large tensions.

So…how did things end up at our family table?

Well I tasted a fair bit of my food, played a fair bit with my daughter and was present to my positive and less positive emotions. It was a great example of the struggle and incremental success of integrating the wisdom we are so blessed to be able to access in this day and age. It was imperfect but felt worthwhile.

Does any of this ring a bell in your household? What are your challenges and successes with parenting and mindfulness?

Go gently,

Lara xx

P.S. Life isn't easy, but it can be freakin' wonderful. Let me help you get out of your own way to shine! It's easier than you think (cognitive coaching is part of the deal). Drop me a line! lara@setmefree.coach or www.setmefree.coach

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Five reasons you are sabotaging your dreams and how to stop!

You know that feeling when lots of good things are happening and you wonder when something will go pear-shaped? The worry creeps in… our minds start to find problems where there aren’t any…

For some reason, once the initial celebration or joy has passed, we can feel pretty uncomfortable with life going well.

This is when our frenemy, self-sabotage, comes to visit.

Acts of self-sabotage can be large or small. It might look like binge eating after realising you’ve lost some weight. Like landing your dream job and going home and picking a fight with your partner.

For me, it looked like getting lots of coaching clients and feeling extremely happy and then having a sudden urge to be in a cave with a lot of food and a good internet connection. 

It was SO puzzling, for about a day. Then I realised what was going on. Self-sabotage. So what lies behind self-sabotage?

The Upper Limit Problem.

Gay Hendricks coined the term ‘Upper Limit Problem’. He writes ‘each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy’.  When we hit that upper limit, we self-sabotage to bring us back down to a level we are comfortable with.

It sounds crazy, but we are often more comfortable with the status quo than something better.

The upper limit is usually set in early childhood, based on the values and beliefs of our families and communities.

It’s time to shine a light on what’s really beneath it all.

There are five key ways that we undermine our successes in relationships, career, health and life in general.  

They are all based on false beliefs that feel true.

1.     We are fundamentally flawed.

People will find out that we are talentless, annoying, stupid and unlovable. It’s only a matter of time, so let’s not give them a chance.

It’s basically imposter syndrome but throughout any and every aspect of life.

2.     We will be abandoned or disloyal to significant others if our lives go really well.

This is the fear that our loved ones will ultimately reject us if we succeed in areas that they have failed in or that they disapprove of.

This fear is built on family rules and guilt.

3.     More success, bigger burden.

This belief tells us that the more we succeed in our lives, the bigger burden we will become, which links back to fear of rejection and isolation.

A classic area that comes to mind is success in looking after yourself with food intolerances. For those of us who can’t just eat anything and everything, the more we succeed in self-care, the more we can feel like a burden to those around us.

4.     Outshining.

We all know this one pretty well, especially in Australia with Tall Poppy Syndrome. There is a pretty strong cultural norm – don’t shine too bright or no one will like you. You’ll be insufferable!

But more than that, this belief says that by shining bright you will make others look or feel bad. We react to these thoughts by dimming our lights or by stopping ourselves from enjoying our success too much.

5.     Fear of pain and loss. 

I’m adding this one to Hendricks’ list, as in some areas of life the transformation that is beckoning us comes tinged with fear about future emotional pain and loss of identity, status, income and relationships. 

Fear of pain and loss comes out in people frightened of becoming parents, those undertaking a serious spiritual evolution, wanting to change careers or following other passions that push you from your comfort zone.

Hendricks outlines a range of clues that you are self-sabotaging:

·      Worrying;

·      Blame and criticism;

·      Getting sick;

·      Squabbling;

·      Hiding significant feelings;

·      Not keeping agreements; 

·      Deflecting (e.g. ignoring compliments).

So what to do?

First off, calm your body and get out of fight, flight or freeze mode. Take 10 deep belly breaths to clear your head and get your hormones humming a happier tune.

Then be in your body. Feel your feet on the floor, bum on the seat.  Try to notice one thing you can see, touch, taste, feel and smell.

Next, get curious and engage with what’s going on. Often the easiest way to get to the bottom of things is to talk with someone you trust or to write down what’s going on. Think about the different reasons for self-sabotage and see what clicks in your body or resonates with you ‘it feels true’.

Lastly, accept how your subconscious is trying to protect you, be kind to yourself about it (laugh even!) but don’t believe the fear. 

Fear's message is basically, STOP IT!

To paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert - fear will always be in the car with us, but it does not get to choose the radio station or the snacks, it does not get to give directions and most of all, it does NOT get to drive.

So go on, say hi to the fear, love it for it's good intentions and then get back to living the life you want!

If you'd like fantastic one-on-one support in overcoming self-sabotage and living the life you yearn for, drop me a line! lara@setmefree.coach

Add in the comments what your usual form of sabotage is and how you handle it!

I'd love to journey with you. 

Go gently,

Lara xox

P.S. For those of us feeling inspired, it might be time for some old-school tunes  and a sing-along. Take it away Bachelor Girl!

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.