Four ways to have a kick ass night, every night.

Most people take 'me' time every night by spending time on their phone, iPad or computer.  

We all need relaxation time, but the fact is that spending time online generally doesn't leave us feeling peaceful, happy and energised. It's just something easy. 

I think many of us have forgotten how to wind down and create evenings that make us feel really good, instead of the groundhog day of work, eat, go online, sleep, go online, repeat (add parenting or hanging out with partners and friends occasionally).

I've developed a great way to create a rejuvenating and awesome night, every night, or whenever you wish...

It starts with giving your devices a bed time. 

Turn them all off and do it a good hour or more before you'd like to go to bed. 

Once they're switched off, you might feel a bit weird or lost.

Don't worry, I've got you covered.

Here's four easy steps to creating a kick ass night for yourself!

FERC it!

1. Do something Fun.

What do you find fun? It can be as random or as commonplace as you like. At home, it might be watching your favourite show or reading a new novel. Drawing, dancing, going for a walk or painting your nails (this all applies to guys too!). Rearrange the room or redecorate (am I alone in loving this?!). Go for a run or do a group exercise class. Whatever floats your boat and leaves you feeling *HAPPY*. 

2. Do something that makes your life Easier tomorrow.

Do something that takes about 1-10 minutes but doesn't take over your night. Get your clothes ready, pack your lunch, do anything that will take a bit of pressure off. You'll be happy with yourself tomorrow.

3. Relax. 

Water is so relaxing. Take a bath or have a shower to wind down. Soak your feet in warm water.

Listen to whatever music matches your mood (okay, so this might require a device, just use it mindfully for music only - don't multitask with it).

If you live with someone, give each other a massage.

Do an activity that you find makes you chill out - this might also tick the Fun box :)

4. Connect with yourself and/or others. 

Take some time to be in your own company. Sit quietly, write whatever comes to mind or go for a walk. If you don't have much time to yourself normally, you might find that a lot of things come to mind that you need to do. Just jot them down and carry on. Bath time or a shower, as well as listening to music can also be a perfect way to connect with yourself.

Connecting with others! How many of us don't keep in touch with friends or family we dearly love? Give someone a call or Skype, write an email (try doing it in MS word so you don't end up drowning in emails) or even go old school and write a letter. Go out for a meal or a movie. Whatever!

Connect with who you live with. I must admit, for me these FERC activities mostly occur after my daughter is in bed, though sometimes they overlap. I'm more talking about housemates and partners here. Have a good chat. Do something together without also being on your phones. PUT THE PHONES AWAY. 

I don't think it's too crude to say that if you're on your phone, you're not creating the kind of intimacy that leads naturally to other kinds of connection... wink wink nudge nudge. So that activity will also tick the fun and relax box!

When you FERC your night, you might find that you are tired earlier than you would think, because you usually ignore it and stay online. This means you might go to bed earlier and get out of a cycle of fatigue. Totally life changing.

You might also find you sleep better, without the blue light mucking with your melatonin.

So there you go! FERC your night whenever possible and you'll find that you look forward to it. You'll have more fun ideas (what you pay attention to grows) and your relationships will get more TLC.

All of this promotes your mental wellbeing and brings energy and clarity into the rest of your life.

Yahoo!

Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Ahh that's better: Telling yourself what you need to hear

So often in life when we are upset we turn to other people and things to deal with it and get us through.  

Getting support from others is a wonderful thing but they cannot always be there when we need them or find the words we need to really soothe us. 

Late in my pregnancy, I was given some brilliant advice that goes some way to solving this problem:

When the baby cries a lot and you are so weary, when it all feels hard  - talk to your baby. Tell them what you need to hear in a soothing voice (even through the screams).  

"Everything will be fine, not long now, sleep will come easily, you are doing so well, all is well". 

Human bodies are designed to relax when they hear soothing voices.

The words you say to soothe your child are also words to soothe you.

Now my daughter is much older, but this still rings true for me.

When I tell her what we need to hear, it feels like the words are coming from the wisest part of me or from some broader loving universal embrace.

It feels like a warm bath washing over me.

I'm sharing this because you can use this trick anytime YOUR heart or spirit needs soothing.

Whisper to yourself or simply think of exactly what you need to hear.

For me it might be things like 'I know this is hard/frustrating, but you're doing so well and you'll be done soon'.

It's something we all desperately need - to be our own safe haven and greatest ally. When we aren't there for ourselves, things like our phones, food, work or being crazy busy come in to smother or numb the experience.

The simple truth is that we are always there, whereas others are not, and do not and really cannot know exactly what we need to hear to be soothed in our time of stress or sadness.

Only we know exactly what will hit the spot for us and press that healing, soothing button.

It might sound funny, but this can also be applied to good things. Sometimes people may not get why something is so exciting or such a big deal for you - but you do and can have your own celebration. (Incidentally, this also hits the reward centre for your brain, so you get a dopamine hit when you praise yourself - it feels good). 

Lastly, when you know the words you need to hear, then you can help those close to you by telling them what soothes you. I've done this with my husband and it is really great for you both. Expecting people to be telepathic is not the recipe for a happy relationship!

So, try it out for yourself! Next time you are needing some support and loving words, soothe yourself with the words only you know and can share. 

With love,

Lara x

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

It's time to parent yourself better through food: Why failing to plan is planning to fail.

Although I love brainstorming about the future, this doesn't always translate into making concrete plans.

A lack of planning really brings me undone with eating. I'm not talking diets. I'm talking plain ol' eating.

Think getting hangry, eating whatever is closest, eating what makes me feel crappy but is easy, eating out more than I wanted.

Sound familiar?

You know, where you eat so many cheese and crackers or [insert your snack of choice] that you don’t even feel like dinner?!

Self-care through food planning and regular meals

No matter how (dis)interested you are in food or cooking, the fact is that food is our fuel and has a significant affect on how our bodies run.

For me, good food is not only about energy but also about how I feel emotionally.

Our guts have 80% of our serotonin stores and the nerve running from the gut to the brain controls the passage of these precious happy and soothing brain chemicals.

Unhappy tummies and intestines really affect our emotional health.

Eating well and regularly is not just about getting hangry but also the mood/energy swings of blood sugar highs and lows that stress our body (and sometimes our relationships!), our productivity at work, zap our creativity and sabotage our inner peace.

For those of us with tricky diets due to food intolerances and allergies, food takes on another level of complication and eating food that causes pain, discomfort or other unpleasant symptoms can throw off a whole day.

Given all the benefits of eating food that loves us, how many of us care for ourselves by meal planning?

Maybe you are too tired to think of planning, or you’ve tried a little and stopped for some reason. Maybe people in your household have different eating requirements or preferences, which can take cooking to the next level of complication.

There are a handful of reasons not to plan but many more to bite the bullet and dive into planning.

So I propose something radical to be more peaceful, efficient and to nourish yourself with food.

Plan every single meal, each week, in one go.

I know, I know, seems over the top, a pain in the bum, boring and so the list goes on.

Why would I bother, you ask?

• Shopping once, instead of more frequently saves time and money.
• Planning meals means less slip-ups with intolerances/allergies or nourishing eating intentions.
• More mental space for creativity, efficiency, joy and productivity.
• More time in your day and week e.g. time for a walk at lunch beyond going to the local café, no more multiple trips to the supermarket.
• Reduce food waste.
• Feeling better: more relaxed, better blood sugar regulation and smoother emotional wellbeing.

I like using a paper tool such as this weekly planner from Kikki K (on sale). Then I can keep each week and jog my memory about different meals. You’d be surprised how little time it takes to plan your weekly meals.

With all that time and mental space you’ve cleared up, you’ll be surprised and delighted by what joys start to emerge in your life.

So go on, plan one week and see how it feels? 

One less thing to think about three times a day = a lot more energy for what you want to do.

Let's go!

Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

#truthbomb - Your morning routine sucks - what to do instead of being on your phone

You're not alone if checking your phone is the first thing you do every day. In fact 3 of 4 smartphone users are on their phones as soon as they wake up.

This is 'normal' for most of us but lets just let this sink in for a minute. You go straight from sleep to scrolling every single morning.

You're on your phone before you know:

• how you feel
• what you want from your day
• what you have on, or
• to acknowledge (heaven forbid connect with!) who you're sleeping next to.

Um.. those things are kind of important...

If you go straight to work emails, you're at work from waking. That's a lot of unpaid overtime.

If you go straight to the news, your body's hormones will bounce around according to what you're reading. 

You're not in your life or your body. You're greater needs aren't being met. You're numb at one level and getting your dopamine hits at another but not living into your own body, surrounds or life. 

Anyone who wants to approach their day from a place of calm and clearheadedness (particularly parents, managers and well, everyone) will see their life transform with a good start to the morning.

Let's talk morning routines! 

What could yours look like?

1. Some kind of quiet - you don't have to meditate, you could just do a 'body scan' to see how you're feeling, check in with yourself emotionally and take some deep breaths.

2. Some kind of movement - dance, stretch, do five minutes of yoga or pilates, wiggle around. Whatever and where ever the spirit moves you. 

3. Some kind of nuturing to yourself. Do you love a cup of tea or coffee? Put it in your favourite mug and drink it without distraction. Taste it. Dress yourself with care, not like some angry and swift attendent who wants their shift to end. Make a breakfast you will enjoy, not just what is easiest.

4. Set an intention of how you want to interact with people in your life. Happily? With patience? With love? With strength? Whatever, it will make a difference.

Give yourself a minute to daydream about how your perfect morning would be and then live it, just for tomorrow. See how you feel and adjust accordingly.

Without your phone, you'll be more creative, aware and centred. The world will adjust accordingly, just you wait.

* Now I know that it's hard working around kids in the morning, particularly when they wake early or their sleeping patterns are all over the place. Just try to do whichever steps are possible for you each morning. Some will work out better than others, but the intention will be there and be a benefit regardless. 

Go gently, 

Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Five ways to find your passions, chase joy (and easily get out of your rut)

There's being in a rut and being in a groove and heaven knows we all feel the difference just reading that sentence.

Grooves feel good. Ruts do not.

But sometimes getting out of a rut feels like an impossibility and we are there, wading through molasses, truly wanting out but not seeing any way forward.

Being online, attached to your work emails or gaming most nights is a great example of being stuck in a rut. You might get a buzz every now and then with something interesting or amusing happens* but often you don't even want to be doing it.

It's just habit you've out grown - A RUT!

You're still on there because it's serving you to get an easy kick, to avoid boredom, to connect or to avoid feelings or situations you don't want to face.

That's okay, but you're reading this because that rut is feeling sucky.

It aint your friend no more.

One solution to getting out of a rut is to chase your joys like your life depends on it.

If you've been online and a bit numb to your everyday life, you might not know where to start.

Here's a few amazing kick starters to help you find your spark and chase that joy you've been missing out on. 

Grab a piece of paper and write down the answer to this (without thinking) for five minutes.

• I am happiest when I am..... with....
• If I could do anything I would....
• If I had a week off work/parenting I would...
• I day dream about getting back into... (what did you love doing that you stopped?)
• I know I'd love doing more... (what's working that you could do more of?)

Now, do three things.

1. Pick the one you can do this week and schedule it in. Tell everyone you're doing it. Get excited.
2. Read over your list and pick what makes your body charge up and spark. Start planning how you can make it happen.
3. Tell the voice in your head that is worried and afraid about everything AND thinks you can't do anything different (everyone has this) that it's all good, you got this.

Okay four things...

      4. Give yourself permission to have a happy life and go do something fun, however small.

Let me know how you go!

With love,
Lara

*By the way this variation of a reward is a key feature of addictive activities. They give you a buzz every so often, not every time, so you keep coming back (think about pokies/slot machines, scratchies etc).

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Procrastinators, unite! A fun clip you need watch right now

The internet and procrastination go together like honey and a bee.

Here is the funniest, smartest clip I've seen about it (thanks to my gorgeous friend, Alex for passing it on). 

Enjoy! 

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Five tricks to feeling great next time you're online

Today I'm talking about how you feel when you're surfing online, browsing social media or checking your work email...

clean or dirty?

We all know the potential of the internet and what it can do for us, but the fact is, it can also be a major time-waster and energy drainer. 

Are you using your time online to improve life or to check out of it?

Let's look at 'clean' and 'dirty' time online to help us understand how to live better online.

Clean time online is largely conscious. You're in your body and your brain. You're there for a reason and it's meaningful, whether it be for fun, to connect with others, to do a job (pay a bill, research, buy something) or to work. Once your task is complete, you are done.

Dirty time online is largely unconscious time. You ended up online because it's habit or you can't be bothered doing anything else. You are clicking, scrolling and browsing for no particular reason and getting next to nothing out of it. You finish up online and feel tired and blah. There goes another night. 

So think about your last session online and ask yourself these five questions:

1. Did you consciously choose to go online/connect to your email, or did your fingers do the walking before you could think twice?

Yes - Clean

No - Dirty

2. When you are online, are you just focused on that task? Being focused on more than one task means that you are online and doing other things e.g. watching tv, talking to someone, watching your kids, cooking dinner.

Yes - Clean

No - Dirty

3. Are you online to get something done - have fun, connect, research, shop, work - or because you are wanting to escape an unwanted feeling like boredom, irritation or loneliness?

Yes - Clean

No - Dirty

4. After the task is done, do you go offline and get back to living your life?

Yes - Clean

No - Dirty

5. When you go offline, do you feel more energised and satisfied than you did before you started?

Yes - Clean

No - Dirty

If you're answering no to one or more of these questions, it's time to think about how you want to use the internet - to enhance or detract from your life.

To use the internet as a tool, rather than a stop-gap and compulsive habit aim for your time to be conscious, focused, purposeful, time-limited and energising.

To create some space to make wiser decisions about internet use and make the most of your life, get my free guide below.

Go gently, 
Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Mindful eating: Ultimate toddler challenge edition

Here's a tale of when mindful eating meets sharing lunch with a toddler...

I recently attended a yoga retreat that had periods of compulsory silence and sessions of mindful eating. Even in this artificial (but lovely) environment of serenity, mindful eating was something that took a lot of concentration.

So what happened back home? Eh, it didn’t go as I hoped…

This is where the mindful eating toddler challenge appears.

I don’t think Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh included this challenge in his book ‘Savour’ on mindful eating!

So let me take you back to my last mindful eating attempt.

Yes, attempt.

I’m not claiming perfection here, I think mindfulness is like quitting smoking, you keep trying again and again until it gets easier and easier.

Yesterday’s lunch with my toddler took my efforts in mindful eating to ultimate fighter level.

After rejecting most of her lunch, my daughter insisted on sitting on my lap and trying to feed me my meal.

Parenting is a primary form of personal growth work, like it or not!

While she complained, rejected her food and tried to shove food in my mouth, the tally for the first few minutes was:

• Mindful eating attempts – 3
• Fun moments with my daughter – 1
• Irritation moments – 1…100.

This was going to be harder than I had anticipated (shouldn’t I know better by now?!).

My little darling then ramped up the ultimate challenge to pretending to call her friend during lunch about twenty times.

The kicker was that I was the only one to answer the ‘call’ and no outcome to the phone call was considered satisfactory! I tried to taste my meal and eat slowly, in between these ‘urgent’ calls. I got more and more frustrated.

The thought ran through my head “You’re stopping me from enjoying my lunch”.

It made me more annoyed, until I realised it wasn’t true.

My thoughts about her lunchtime antics were making me annoyed. She was simply playing and yes, to a certain extent, doing a toddler button pushing extravangza.

So then I though of Byron Katie’s inquiry:

Is this thought bringing me peace?

It certainly was not! It was making me more annoyed and creating tension in my body. How could I turn it around?

I am stopping myself from enjoying my lunch (with my reaction to her play).

I came back to my body – my breath, my bottom in the seat, the sounds and sights around me, the taste of the food.

A moment after that my mind cleared enough to remember the idea of living with intention.

What was my intention in this interaction?

Like all of us, no one intends to be irritable instead of playful with our children, we don’t intend to stress relationships instead of strengthening them. I’m a big believer in imperfection in parenting and in the importance of reconnection.

We will never be perfect parents (and we don’t need to be). Life will get to us, but we can repair relationships after the small and large tensions.

So…how did things end up at our family table?

Well I tasted a fair bit of my food, played a fair bit with my daughter and was present to my positive and less positive emotions. It was a great example of the struggle and incremental success of integrating the wisdom we are so blessed to be able to access in this day and age. It was imperfect but felt worthwhile.

Does any of this ring a bell in your household? What are your challenges and successes with parenting and mindfulness?

Go gently,

Lara xx

P.S. Life isn't easy, but it can be freakin' wonderful. Let me help you get out of your own way to shine! It's easier than you think (cognitive coaching is part of the deal). Drop me a line! lara@setmefree.coach or www.setmefree.coach

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Five reasons you are sabotaging your dreams and how to stop!

You know that feeling when lots of good things are happening and you wonder when something will go pear-shaped? The worry creeps in… our minds start to find problems where there aren’t any…

For some reason, once the initial celebration or joy has passed, we can feel pretty uncomfortable with life going well.

This is when our frenemy, self-sabotage, comes to visit.

Acts of self-sabotage can be large or small. It might look like binge eating after realising you’ve lost some weight. Like landing your dream job and going home and picking a fight with your partner.

For me, it looked like getting lots of coaching clients and feeling extremely happy and then having a sudden urge to be in a cave with a lot of food and a good internet connection. 

It was SO puzzling, for about a day. Then I realised what was going on. Self-sabotage. So what lies behind self-sabotage?

The Upper Limit Problem.

Gay Hendricks coined the term ‘Upper Limit Problem’. He writes ‘each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy’.  When we hit that upper limit, we self-sabotage to bring us back down to a level we are comfortable with.

It sounds crazy, but we are often more comfortable with the status quo than something better.

The upper limit is usually set in early childhood, based on the values and beliefs of our families and communities.

It’s time to shine a light on what’s really beneath it all.

There are five key ways that we undermine our successes in relationships, career, health and life in general.  

They are all based on false beliefs that feel true.

1.     We are fundamentally flawed.

People will find out that we are talentless, annoying, stupid and unlovable. It’s only a matter of time, so let’s not give them a chance.

It’s basically imposter syndrome but throughout any and every aspect of life.

2.     We will be abandoned or disloyal to significant others if our lives go really well.

This is the fear that our loved ones will ultimately reject us if we succeed in areas that they have failed in or that they disapprove of.

This fear is built on family rules and guilt.

3.     More success, bigger burden.

This belief tells us that the more we succeed in our lives, the bigger burden we will become, which links back to fear of rejection and isolation.

A classic area that comes to mind is success in looking after yourself with food intolerances. For those of us who can’t just eat anything and everything, the more we succeed in self-care, the more we can feel like a burden to those around us.

4.     Outshining.

We all know this one pretty well, especially in Australia with Tall Poppy Syndrome. There is a pretty strong cultural norm – don’t shine too bright or no one will like you. You’ll be insufferable!

But more than that, this belief says that by shining bright you will make others look or feel bad. We react to these thoughts by dimming our lights or by stopping ourselves from enjoying our success too much.

5.     Fear of pain and loss. 

I’m adding this one to Hendricks’ list, as in some areas of life the transformation that is beckoning us comes tinged with fear about future emotional pain and loss of identity, status, income and relationships. 

Fear of pain and loss comes out in people frightened of becoming parents, those undertaking a serious spiritual evolution, wanting to change careers or following other passions that push you from your comfort zone.

Hendricks outlines a range of clues that you are self-sabotaging:

·      Worrying;

·      Blame and criticism;

·      Getting sick;

·      Squabbling;

·      Hiding significant feelings;

·      Not keeping agreements; 

·      Deflecting (e.g. ignoring compliments).

So what to do?

First off, calm your body and get out of fight, flight or freeze mode. Take 10 deep belly breaths to clear your head and get your hormones humming a happier tune.

Then be in your body. Feel your feet on the floor, bum on the seat.  Try to notice one thing you can see, touch, taste, feel and smell.

Next, get curious and engage with what’s going on. Often the easiest way to get to the bottom of things is to talk with someone you trust or to write down what’s going on. Think about the different reasons for self-sabotage and see what clicks in your body or resonates with you ‘it feels true’.

Lastly, accept how your subconscious is trying to protect you, be kind to yourself about it (laugh even!) but don’t believe the fear. 

Fear's message is basically, STOP IT!

To paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert - fear will always be in the car with us, but it does not get to choose the radio station or the snacks, it does not get to give directions and most of all, it does NOT get to drive.

So go on, say hi to the fear, love it for it's good intentions and then get back to living the life you want!

If you'd like fantastic one-on-one support in overcoming self-sabotage and living the life you yearn for, drop me a line! lara@setmefree.coach

Add in the comments what your usual form of sabotage is and how you handle it!

I'd love to journey with you. 

Go gently,

Lara xox

P.S. For those of us feeling inspired, it might be time for some old-school tunes  and a sing-along. Take it away Bachelor Girl!

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.