Sliding doors: The small choices that make or break us

I am covered in grass from head to toe and a little damp and I have a neurosurgeon to thank for it.

Let me take you back to how this all came about. The other week I heard Dr Kate Drummond speak at Women of Letters (or should I say, smash it out of the park at Women of Letters). Kate works a lot with people who have shortened lifespans, for one reason or another and look to her to save or extend their lives. 

After the performance, someone asked her advice, any advice really for her husband dying of cancer.

Dr Drummond replied with humility, saying that she was journeying with her patients and was not an expert but she did share a critical observation.

It is quality of life, not the length of time left that matters.

Focus on quality, not on the days or weeks left. 

There is such wisdom in these words.

Quality of time is paramount but how many of us live to get to the next moment as fast as possible, without worrying about making this moment worthwhile, fun or any marker of 'quality'.

The longer I coach people and live the tools that I share, that I heal with people as they heal, that I become more whole on my own, I am focusing more on the quality of my time. On how to really live my life, rather than go through the motions.

On that point, I am writing this post after getting the urge to roll down a damp green slope at the Abbotsford Convent in Melbourne. I found myself at the Convent after asking myself where I wanted to be. 

It was a work day. I wanted the answer to be "working really hard at home". 

Instead, it was "go for a walk in the grounds of Abbotsford convent".

Naturally, I resisted the answer.

Another part of me said “you’ve got too much to do and you’ll never get it done on time”, “focus”, “prioritise”, “walk another time when you’ve got the space in your calendar”.

I decided to go for quality of time.

I went to the Convent and walked around its lovely grounds.

I sat and thought, wrote and processed, then the thought popped into my mind…

I want to roll down the slope.

Yep, I’m talking rolling and rolling and rolling on your tummy, sideways, like when you were a kid.

Remember how fun that was?

A part of me piped up “The grass is wet. You’ll get wet. You’ll be covered in grass. There are people all around that will think you are crazy.”

Well, my mind was more or less right, but I really enjoyed myself.

It turns out that rolling down a hill is still really fun.

I was laughing and smiling and it was so sweet and I thought, God, I really could have just stayed locked up inside because I couldn't be bothered. I could have focused so much on time and deadlines (most self-imposed) and a million other things or I could go where I’m being pulled.

Or I could trust that there is a wiser part of me that knows what I need.

The part of us I also hear in my clients that calls them to ‘read that favourite book again’, ‘put that song on and sing loudly’ ‘ dance’ ‘cook’ ‘make love’ ‘send a love note to that old friend’.

That part of us that lives and breathes quality of time.

Today, I invite you to remember that part and let it speak to you.

Just once, do as it asks or pleads. See where it leads you and enjoy the quality of the ride.

N.B. It's at this point that people (I imagine) will think about all the things I needed to get done that I didn't. How it wouldn't work for them. 

Well, the cherry on top was that everything got done and so much faster and with more joy. Yep, it was all done AND I got to walk around the gardens and roll down a hill a few times. 

The lesson is, be mindful about making the most of time and turning life from routine to inspired whenever possible (you'd be surprised how often this can happen, once you get noticing). It's all about listening to that small still voice whenever possible. 

xxxx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

(Dis)comfort zones: The crappy things we choose every day.

We all have unhelpful habits that we repeat over and over. It's uncomfortable and frustrating, but in some weird way, it feels good, or at least the familiarity of it feels good. It's a (dis)comfort zone – The crappy (but useful) behaviours and things we choose because, well, we are used to them and they do the job of helping us escape our problems for a time. So how do you see your (dis)comfort zones and get the hell outta there?

So, what are you (dis)comfort zones? 

I'm yet to meet someone without something or someone they turn to when the going gets tough that actually makes them feel worse. Perhaps not with every tough time in life, but there'll be something that gets them. Some people much more than others!

In any case, in some weird way, it feels good, or at least the familiarity of it feels good and safe in some way.

I've been well aware of my (dis)comfort zones for ages – it was hard not to be! – but it's only been with self-awareness and learning thought tools through coach training and practice that they have started to shift. 

My go to crappy things were mostly overeating and being online, but workaholism was definitely in there too.

What are yours? When you're feeling crappy, what do you do?

Do you overeat, drink too much or smoke (too much), watch hours of television, lose yourself online, work too much?

I've recently had a rude awakening with discomfort zones. As with anything, it's about the poor use of the thing, not the thing itself.

You turn almost anything into a discomfort zone with a bit of effort ;)

 I realised that I can use endless learning as a discomfort zone when I'm avoiding dealing with something I find scary.

In fact, I've been learning myself to a standstill and cramming more learning in at every minute. Resenting time I wasn't spent learning of an evening or even when I'm home with my daughter. The red flag comes up... I see the signs... I get tired, distracted, less soft/loving and I don't relax. 

I was avoiding acting on something that was scary to me. 

Now, I'm not talking war zone scary, I'm talking making hard decision scary. You know the type I mean, decisions about where to focus your time (which means other things will have to go), decisions that may threaten how people see you, your income or how you turn up in the world. 

So, hilariously, I avoided it by doing 50 thousand courses. It's a sneaky one, because it looks like a positive from the outside. So clever, but I caught it!

I wasn't overeating or living online, but the results were similar (minus the weight gain). 

When do you go to your (dis)comfort zone?

So how do we go about changing these patterns? So much of it is in understanding the process.

The first thing for you to do, is to notice when you're in your discomfort zone and what it is. 

Write it down, put it in a note on your phone. Tell someone. The next step, is to think about this...

What happened just before it?

Just before you jumped online, or ate the whole packet, drank the bottle of tequila, spent your rent money on clothes.

What happened before it?

Track it back to a circumstance. Was it something that happened e.g. losing a job, having an argument, trying on a dress that didn't fit or feeling called to something bigger/different that scared the pants off you?

What thoughts did you attach to it?

Once you have your discomfort zone identified and your circumstance, it's time to fill in the blanks. What did you say to yourself about the circumstance. What meaning did you assign to it?

Remember, our thoughts create our feelings, which lead to our actions = results (hiding/avoiding).

Write down those thoughts and check if they are true (spoiler alert: It's unlikely they are) and if they serve you. 

Identify the main thought that is painful. It might be something like "Monique hates me now and will our relationship is ruined because of this fight".

Can you neutralise that sucker? 

Ones that I love are, "Most relationships can be repaired with honesty, kindness and effort", 'I'm learning to care for myself more' or 'this is great information to help me heal'.

Once you realise the chain reaction that is leading to you retreating to your discomfort zone, you can start intervening earlier and earlier in the chain and making kinder choices that serve you really well in the long-run.

It's all just information to work with, so try not be judgemental about how you've coped in the past. It's done a great job looking after you, it's what you had at the time! Now you have new and different choices.

It takes time. There are always new layers to discover, but it's well worth the journey and the setbacks to get deeper into your true self and to make a rock solid relationship with yourself.

That's the basis of your good work in the world!

With love,
Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

What the hell is a life coach? (Hint: It's not what you think)

Life coaching is still a bit of an unknown for most people. As one of my clients said, prior to our first session,'What the hell is a life coach, anyway?'

I can't say I could have answered this myself before I entered the world of coaching. So here's the inside scoop about what a life coach is and what a life coach definitely is not, what to watch out for and how to choose the right coach for you (because who wouldn't want someone devoted to bringing their awesomeness into the world?).

What a life coach is not...

Life coaches are not advice-givers, we are also not psychologists or psychiatrists, nor do we try to be. We refer clients to these mental health professions if necessary, or even work together with them for a client. 

Although I've always loved self-help books, I used to (a bit harshly) associate life coaching with a mix of empty cheerleading and snake oil sales (e.g. How anyone can earn a six figure income in six months!). I also thought it was mostly inspirational quotes and possibly woo woo, with no substance behind it.

If that's what you thought life coaching was too, then, thank goodness, we were both wrong.

What life coach is...

The best way to think of life coaching is, as Martha Beck says, like a personal trainer. Of course, there will be variation in quality, but like personal trainers, some life coaches really know their stuff and support incredible results for their clients. 

The way I have been trained, a life coach's role is to facilitate YOU to find clarity, make decisions with confidence and live the unique purpose in your own life, to reconnect to your needs and desires, to find joy and peace. Coaches partner with clients to help them reach their personal and professional potential. For example, I specialise in helping people do this who find themselves feeling stuck, caught in fear blocks, persistently worrying, overthinking or self-sabotaging. 

Coaches use a whole host of knowledge, tools and techniques to work with clients. I personally draw from a wide range of sources, including neuroscience, psychology, mindfulness, sociology, good old fashioned self-help, spiritual wisdom, my own hard won life experience and knowledge gained from working as a mental wellbeing academic for over a decade.

What should you look for in a life coach?

If you are interested in finding the right coach for you, here are a few pointers to steer you in the right direction.

Firstly, I have been trained to understand at a deep level that great coaches come from a place of integrity and work to 'be the window and not the light' – i.e. it's not about them, it's about you. Look for a coach that is all about helping you shine, not about themselves. 

Great coaches have a mix of outstanding training and education, deep and transformative life experiences that they can draw from and are committed to ongoing professional development. Ask the coach what they have trained in and where (I think it's important that they have been trained, no matter how great their self-teaching is), what their specialities are and even what their 'hell and back' is (the thing/s they have overcome in their life that they could help you with). 

Great coaches also have strong intuition and connections to their clients so they are well equipped to help clients see and 'have the courage to bring forth the treasures that are hidden within you' (Elizabeth Gilbert). That brings me to a huge part of it...

you two need to click!

You need to feel heard, supported and challenged. Coaching conversations need to be a safe, comfortable and lovely place where you can really let it all hang out – that's where the real transformation will spring from!

Most, if not all, coaches will provide a free 30/45 minute session so that you can ask questions, learn about how they work and their training, as well as see if you have a good connection. I would say you need to like working with your coach and they need to like working with you! 

I personally would not go to a coach that I don't love working with, or one that would just take anyone as a client, even if they're not that keen on working with me. It should be enjoyable for both parties!

How much do coaches cost?

Coaching costs are extremely variable. I've heard of some coaches charging around $80 a session to (and I'm not kidding) $10,000 for a day! I am upfront about my costs, here they are if you're feeling curious. 

All coaches should be completely transparent about their costs. You should feel free to ask them about their costs and to say no if it is out of your price range. 

Is it worth it?

Coaching or not, YOU are worth exploring anything that you are drawn to, be it yoga, poetry, music, dance, independent personal development or coaching, that your gut says might work for you.

It will all become part of the tapestry of lessons, growth and transformation that make up your life's journey. 

On a personal level, I have found that coach training, coaching myself and being coached has been just what I needed and what I continue to use to find contentment, peace and joy that I truly didn't know or believe was possible for me.

I've also seen my clients see and release blocks and painful beliefs/thoughts and transform in wild and wonderful ways. I've seen them using tools I've taught them and conversations we've had to change their lives in the ways they have been craving.

That's not to say that life doesn't still have challenges, nor that the 'work' of being human ever stops. It's just that with the learning and tools from good quality coaching, life gets so much sweeter and working with issues and challenges that arise becomes more like a sport of curosity and growth. Much less like work and more like play!

With love,

Lara xxx

P.S. Melbournians!  If you've been looking for a chance to Revive your mind and body, join me and Chafia Brooks, dancer and dance therapist to help you work through fear and achieve your goals, as well as to get back in touch with your body! Click here for more details. Places are limited, so book now. No dance skills needed and no solos ;)

P.P.S. Canberrans! Save the date, I'm coming to you on the 15th October for a beautiful two hour workshop on overcoming fear and making and achieving big goals! 

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

How to be ambitious without being an as*hole

It's true, some people are ambitious in such a way that they leave a wake of destruction. They kiss up and kick down or across. They want that next shiny thing so badly they will do almost anything to get it. It really gives ambition a bad name! It's not ambition that is the problem, but the motivation and internal state of the person. So how can you enjoy your ambition, reach for the stars and not be an as*hole? 

This morning I was discussing with a fantastic client about how ambition can be seen as a dirty word.

You see, they didn't want to honour their ambitions, because of a terrifying ambitious type that they've seen in action.

The terrifying types are poor misguided souls (okay, they can be total as*holes), whose fierce ambition and actions can hurt their workplace, colleagues or business associates.

They will do whatever it takes to get what they want.

People or the big picture don’t really matter, their health and wellbeing or happiness do not matter.

Getting the next gold star is the only thing that matters. 

Yet that next gold star doesn’t really take the edge off because this type of ambition is huge because it arises from an internal emptiness or sense of ‘not enoughness’.

It is insatiable, because achievements do not make us feel enough, that is our job and ours alone. It's another way bandaid solution, just like buying a new outfit or eating a tray of lamingtons.

It all fades quickly enough.

It is blind ambition, with a misguided ‘why’ beneath it.

The 'why' is that they are trying desperately to make yourself feel okay, good enough, of value.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve felt this type of ambition fuelled by 'not enoughness'. I can’t say that I left a trail of destruction (God, I hope not!), but I collected those gold stars like my life depended on it.

The glows of achievement were sadly short-lived.

For example, I remember getting a nationally competitive PhD scholarship; only a handful is awarded each year.

I was relieved.

I didn’t so much celebrate the achievement as exhale that I didn’t fail, then I looked instantly to the next gold star.

I can honestly say that it’s not the way I live now. Though I still need to stop and celebrate more!

I still have a lot of ambition but it has changed shape. It now comes from a different place.

So what’s the other type of ambition?

Well there is the ambition fuelled by a strong ‘why’. A why that is bigger that you.

What is your why? What really sets your heart on fire?

Do you want to entertain people, to teach them, to put beauty into their lives, to create easier ways for them to live, to provide a really useful service, to contribute to something bigger, to change society or to help people heal?

My 'why' centres on wanting as many as people as possible to be free from their own suffering caused by their thinking, to find their joy and purpose in life, to help change the world.

Sure, it's big. It also sets my heart on fire so bright that at times I feel unstoppable, even when the inevitable challenges arise. 

You'll also notice that it's not so much about me as about service. 

When your 'why' and your ambitious cravings are framed as service it puts people and how you treat them, centre stage. It calls for integrity. People matter, how you interact with the world matters.

It's an ambition that brings everyone up together, not a solo pursuit.

It's also not about filling an empty hole. It's about shining to give others permission to shine. 

So is it time you accepted your craving of bigger things, your ambitions? To see where they take you?

Can you frame them as service and bring others along too?

Can you choose to believe there is enough for us all and that it's ultimately not a competition? (This really helps with not slipping into assholery). 

Imagine what would happen if we all reached for the stars, together, for ourselves and each other?

Go get 'em, tiger and please share this post to bring everyone along with you!

Big love,
Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Are you sensitive? Why it matters. Big time.

Has anyone ever pointed out that you are 'sensitive' or implied that you are fussy or high maintenance? It's generally not a complement in our society, but sensitivity is actually a really valuable trait!  When you push through and try to ignore it, like we are so often asked to do, it can have serious impacts on our lives. This post is vital reading for more sensitive souls and the people that love them. A special shout-out to men, who will have been barraged with messages to hide sensitivity. You might not even realise you are!

For much of my life I tried hard to push through my sensitivity. I even made it through a few horror movies! Needless to say, I now treasure this trait because of all the wonderful parts of it, even if I do make a bee line for the exit at a high street festival early in the day!

About a decade ago, an old friend gave me a book 'The Highly Sensitive Person' and told me that it would change my life.

Are you sensitive?

• Are you easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens nearby?
• Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time?
• Do you make a point of avoiding violent movies and TV shows?
• Do you need to withdraw during busy days, into bed or a darkened room or some other place where you can have privacy and relief from the situation?
• Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations?
• Do you notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art?
• Do you have a rich and complex inner life?
• When you were a child, did your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy?*These questions are from Elaine Aron, PhD.

When I looked at these questions, I could say yes to all of them. 

Realising that I was highly sensitive was really interesting, validating and therapeutic! So many people I know have been discovering it lately, that it seemed time to share it's nuggets of awesomeness with the world!

How many people are sensitive?

First things first, sensitivity is a normal, common type of nervous system. Let's have a look at the rough breakdown of nervous systems in the population.  

20% extremely or quite sensitive

22% moderately sensitive

16% low sensitivity

42% not at all sensitive

Dr Elaine Aaron, who is a pioneer of this research, highlights that having a sensitive nervous system 'means you are aware of subtleties in your surroundings' [an advantage!] and also that you are 'more easily overwhelmed when you have been in a highly stimulating environment for too long, bombarded by sights and sounds until you are exhausted'. You can see how having a highly sensitive person with an insensitive person creates some interesting challenges!

It's no wonder that sensitive people may be deeply moved by the world but also more quickly tired out than their less sensitive or insensitive peers and loved ones. A lot of sensitive folk are introverts, but there are some, like me, that are extroverted and sensitive! I love people and am drawn to them but need a lot of time meditating and being in peaceful surrounds to enjoy it and serve the world the way I am called to.

Elaine writes that compared with those that aren't highly sensitive, most highly sensitive people are:

- Better at spotting errors and avoiding making errors

- Highly conscientious

- Able to concentrate deeply (best without distractions!)

- Able to process material to deeper levels of what psychologists call 'semantic memory'

- Often able to think about our own thinking

- Able to learn without being aware we have learned

- Deeply affected by other people's moods and emotions

So why does it matter if you are sensitive? 

It is CRITICAL to self-love and acceptance.

If you are sensitive, particularly highly sensitive, you might not have been brought up to appreciate or honour your needs. So the first reason it matters is that being sensitive may have impacted on your sense of self-worth and self-acceptance. If you think that sensitivity = weakness and less than, and if it's had a negative impact on your identity, reading the Highly Sensitive Person will help you rewrite those stories and come to accept that sensitivity is normal and has a range of beautiful, useful qualities that the world desperately needs. 

It is CRITICAL to good self-care.

If you were fed a story that sensitive = annoying, than it is likely that you don't meet your own needs for self-care, as they may make you acutely aware of being different, being excluded or the possibility of 'putting people out'. This could manifest itself in many ways, including exhausting yourself, disassociating from your body that is overstimulated, drinking/smoking/eating too much in an effort to calm your system. Oh and eating/drinking things that don't agree with you for the sake of fitting in. That in turn, has a range of negative physical and mental health consequences. To be frank, if you're highly sensitive and don't honour it, it can (says Dr Elaine Aron) develop mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression. 

It is CRITICAL to following intuition, finding joy and deep fulfilment. 

If you are sensitive but in the longstanding habit of ignoring your own needs, wishes or desires, then you are doing yourself a huge disservice. By learning to honour your sensitivity, you can open up a whole, amazing world for yourself and give your poor body a break! You wont know yourself! Honouring your sensitivity is a huge part of developing your intuition and will lead you to joy and fulfilment.

Lastly, being sensitive matters because it is CRITICAL to you living your purpose. 

Your sensitivity will probably alert you to your life's greater purpose. If you're tuned out of yourself, you might miss out that opportunity! To be blunt, you are less likely to see your part in saving the world if you are too overstimulated and overwhelmed to see the problem or to think of the plan. 

So there you go, my lovelies! All nervous systems are valuable and awesome. We want the insensitive folk to cope easily with the most distressing and overstimulating things and the highly sensitive ones to feel things deeply and make things beautiful and comfortable for everyone (they're the ones adjusting the lights, with the really soft bedding). 

If you'd like to check out your sensitivity levels, take sensitivity quiz here...

Self-love and care is the cornerstone of it all. Accept and love yourself, however you are, and your life may be the same on paper but it will feel divine. 

With love, 
Lara xx

P.S. If you've been looking for a chance to Revive your mind and body, join me and Chafia Brooks, dancer and dance therapist to help you work through fear and achieve your goals, as well as to get back in touch with your body! Workshops are in Melbourne - click here for more details. Places are limited, so book now. No dance skills needed and no solos ;)

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

The three keys to dealing with worry.

I don't want to brag, but in the past, I could have claimed gold at the worrier's Olympics. It was crapola and left me feeling exhausted and on edge. You may not be an Olympic level worrier like I was, but we all worry sometimes.

This blog will give you the three keys to dealing with worry and the one biggest pitfall to avoid. 

I have talked about common things we avoid, like doing the dishes or feeling bored and frustrated, and how we avoid them, like being on our phones, but I haven't talked about avoiding our own minds - our limiting or painful thoughts that leave us feeling awful.

In the thought-work side of coaching, I talk a lot about this sequence:

Event --->> Thoughts  --->> Feelings ---> Actions ---> Results

There is only so much we can shape what happens in our lives, but we can work with our thinking patterns to change how we feel and hence our actions and the results we get in our lives.

At this point it's important to note that I'm not talking about being relentlessly positive and ignoring bad behaviour or things in our lives that don't work for us.

What I am talking about is working with your thoughts to reduce your unnecessary suffering (negative feelings) now.

It leaves you feeling more peaceful, clear-headed and less flooded with stress hormones, so you can make decisions that will leave you in good stead and enjoy your life more. 

The habit we want to slowly move away from is avoiding worry.

This is not to label avoidance 'bad'. It's served you well to survive in reasonable stead, it's helped you feel safe, after all it's your body's way of protecting you.

Unfortunately, avoidance has two not so great results in our lives:

1. Not dealing with the issue.

2. Increasing worry and stress responses about the issue.

So you can see how a cycle occurs, whereby we worry about an event, avoid thinking about it (e.g. a good internet session, a glass or two of wine, chocolate) and nothing is resolved nor constructive action taken. Later, when you remember the issue, you feel even worse. Rinse. Repeat. Ugh.

Instead of that cycle of blah, what are the three key ways to dealing with worry?

ONE. Listen to your thinking and write down your worry. Go on, do it!

TWO. Once you've written down every bit of your worries, ask yourself three questions.

Does this worry have a message for me? If you're worrying about money it's message may be that you could benefit from spending more mindfully. If it's about your friends hating you, it could be that you'd like to spend more quality time with them.

Is it true?

Is it improving your life to believe the thought or bringing you down and causing you to go into survival mode - fight (picking fights?), flight (escaping) or freeze (paralysing worry)?

THREE. Act.

Well, technically you're already acting with key two, and this is BRILLIANT because worry thoughts hate to be looked at in the cold light of day. They prefer to go under the radar rather than be seen for what they are - our minds trying to be a) useful and b) to protect us.

You could also act by soothing your system. When we are really worried, our stress hormones are pumping, adrenaline and it's friends. Our bodies are under stress. Given this, deeeep breathing helps a lot. So does fresh air and a walk. So does talking to yourself in kind ways that you long for. They all soothe our bodies and get us out of survival mode.

Lastly, it will definitely help to act to remove any stressors beneath the worries, where possible. Take small steps towards it. Any action will feel better than none.

So there you go, listen, question and act - the three keys to dealing with worry!

Here's to a life with far less worry.

Love,
Lara x x x

**If you'd like some liberation from worry and stress, give me a bell! Thought-work and reducing stress and anxiety are some of my superpowers. Email me at lara@setmefree.coach with your name and phone number and I'll be in touch for a chat to see if I can be of service to your aims and dreams!

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Do you share these regrets?

We can get so stuck in the details of daily life, reacting and dealing with what comes that we forget the real meat of living. Never are we so aware of what to live for than when we hear wisdom from the dying. 

Bronnie Ware, a former palliative care worker, spent many years with people that had returned to their home to die – to transition into the great mystery that follows, whatever that may be. What she learned from this special time with patients was compiled into quite a well known book: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing.

I thought today would be the perfect time to revisit these regrets. Let's all aim to make sure we aren't saying the same thing on our death beads! 

*The post below comes from Bronnie's own blog*

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perfectly said. Now what is the tiniest step you could take towards making one of these points true for you?

With love,
Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Ever thought you'd like to be a superhero? Well here's your chance!

I always wanted to have magical powers and/or be a superhero, did you? As old as 16!!! I woke up on my birthday and thought, 'well, I still don't have powers, guess they're not coming'. I was genuinely disappointed about it. 

We might not end up with the superpowers that we see in movies, but all of us do have our own superpowers.

Do you know what your powers are? It's something you do with ease that is satisfying and also engages you strongly.

Do you make people feel comfortable easily?

Are you funny?

Do you really see people and value them?

Can you remember everyone's relationship history or every sporting outcome as if it were nothing?

Can you make spaces beautiful or work out any problem set before you?

Is talking policy reform like eating cake to you? 

Could you describe a blow-by-blow of World War I or do you have a heart bursting with compassion for those less fortunate?

What feels effortless to you but is hard for other people? 

These are your superpowers. 

Great joy in life comes from using our superpowers in the form of service to others. That is, making life that bit sweeter for your fellow humans, or the land, plants and animals. It feels natural and wonderful. Like you were born to do it.

My superpowers include caring deeply about others and tuning into people's emotional needs quickly. It's part of why coaching is such a joy for me. I'm using what comes easily to me to be in service to others. 

You may not think that your superpowers are that practical, but there is a practical edge to every superpower and I dare you to work out yours!

Let your brain mull it over, ask people close to you, notice what's easy and gratifying as well as engaging to you.

Once you have your superpower(s), plan how you could bring it into the world more, if you don't already.  What's the smallest, easiest first step you could make? Do it and then choose the next smallest step. Before you know it, you'll be a true superhero :)

It should tap some serious joy in you to use your powers for the betterment of the world, small or large. 

With love and joy,
Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

What I know for sure. Eight principles that will transform your life.

If you go through your life and mark out its defining moments, with each significant event, there is a learning.

When I went through this process, I came out with eight principles that have come to be the structure of my internal life and underpin my coaching. 

This is what I know for sure. It's what I know is true of us all and it's linked to deep healing, self-care, self-trust and general awesomeness (creativity, leaps of faith, generosity, bravery, joy and peacefulness).

1. You are stronger and more wonderful than you can imagine. You are unconditionally loved, whether you realise it or not.

2. You are the person you dare to dream possible when you are at your clearest and bravest and we need that person in the world. 

3. You are not broken and you do not need fixing but you may need some friendly liberating!

4. No knowledge or experiences are wasted. All roads and lessons have brought you to just where you should be. 

5. You are the expert in you and can be completely trusted to steer your ship to freedom, joy, peace and success.

6. You are not your history or your worries. You can heal, grow and change. 

7. Tomorrow can be much better than today. Love, joy and peace are within you and there always for you to dwell within, no matter what is happening on the surface of your life. 

8. When you follow your intuition, your life will rapidly transform and magic will follow.

If you find yourself disagreeing with any of these principles, you could question why that is. Is what you believe true or is it a limiting negative thought? Does it serve you to think it? Could you let it go?

Though-work is life changing work. It's changed my life and is changing those I work with. A total godsend for this former worrier and self-sabateur extraordinaire.

With love,
Lara xx

P.S. I'm going to be running a beautiful four week course in September in Melbourne with the incredible Chafia Brooks, dance therapist and contemporary dancer extraordinaire! It's a combo of life coaching and dance therapy! OMG! It's for those of you that are stressed and/or worriers, living in your heads and not so connected to your body. It will be a chance for deep rest and restoration, movement, learning life-coaching tools and coming home to a peaceful you. Email me at lara@setmefree.coach so we can keep you in the loop.

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

What are you avoiding? It's costing you.

It's a simple question but it might be the most important one you ask yourself this year:

What are you avoiding?

Why does it matter?

Because it's standing between you and the life you want.

It's curtailing your freedom and sucking up your time and energy.

The bottom line is that facing what you're avoiding transforms your life completely, miraculously and 100% for the better.

I was not always a proponent of facing things. Quite the opposite! I have intimate experience with avoidance – I used to affectionately call myself the Queen of Avoidance BUT it only ever got me to the end of a packet of Tim Tams.

I learnt that what's in the way, is the way and we know from research that avoidance is actually a great way to get anxious and sad about life!

The thing is that our bodies have a very short term view on things. When we're unhappy about something, they resourcefully look for something to soothe the boredom, irritation, sadness, whatever. 

Something sucks -> avoid it if at all possible. 

Now that our phones are at our fingertips, we can immerse ourselves and tune out. We also tune out by overeating, trying even harder to please others, drinking and so on. There are so many ways to check out of our discomforts rather than be with them.

The kicker is that when you tune out the bad you tune out the good.

he result is more than wasted time, extra weight or a terrible hangover. It is being isolated from yourself, from the present and leaves you living half a life. 

I'll say it again. Avoidance sucks energy, creativity, joy and presence. It's the shitty way of dealing with discomfort and fear.

Discomfort is normal and fear is always with us when we are trying something new and taking a risk.

So you can start by noticing when you're seeking out a distraction and looking at what you're avoiding.

You can choose to sit with the discomfort and see how you go. You can choose to act instead of avoid.

You wont be and don't need to be perfect with this. I'm certainly not suggesting that you never comfort eat or get lost in fear for a while before a difficult conversation.

What I will say, is that noticing, feeling your feelings, being compassionate to yourself and making a plan to act (and acting), will singlehandedly change your life.

That's worth it, no?

Go ahead and be brave. You've got this!

“Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by it’s seriousness.
Give me your hand.”

— Rainer Maria Rilke - The Book of Monastic Life (from the Book of Hours)

With love,

Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

0 Likes