How understanding fear can help you save the world (I'm serious).

We are in a truly critical time in history and believe it or not, you have power over which direction it goes. But it's also a scary time, so there are no surprises that fear that can stop you from making your mark. Are you really going to bow down, when fear is something you can learn to overcome? Of course not, you're braver and wiser than that!

Think for a minute about how fear shapes our lives from the smallest decision to the biggest leap. 

Any number of things can wave that flag of 'danger' to us and lead to fear, whether it be a funny look from a colleague (Have I done something wrong?) or an empty pantry (I must eat, now!). 

Fear thoughts run through our heads all day, but you can learn to recognise fear's 'greatest hits', get its useful messages and calm that scared part of us to make sure that you get done what you most want and need to.

That list of deep wants and needs will be exciting and scary.

That list of deep wants and needs is essential to living life to the fullest and making the world a better place. 

The important thing to note is that fear does not travel alone.

It is the leader of a tribe that hurts us all. The tribe includes anger, shame, hopelessness and despair.

Their work, unchecked, makes us feel paralysed, tired, unmotivated and makes us want to escape or to pick a fight. 

Learning how to work with fear is not only the key to your happiness, but to better outcomes for your community and the world. 

A few questions, to help you see how fear is influencing us right now...

When we are too overwhelmed to listen to our own fears, how do we listen to others?

When we are too scared to see ourselves, how do we see others?

When all we see is 'not enough' (fear thoughts!!), how will we provide for everyone?

When we don't meet our own needs, it's harder to meet the needs of the community.

If we are too intimidated to talk to someone we want to, how will we talk to someone we really need to connect with to help make the world better? 

now let's go really big.

Let's look at the biggest challenges in society now. Deep breathe and stay with me, because the alternatives ROCK!!

Climate change

I did some climate change research in the mid-2000s and was in contact with some of the best climate scientists in Australia. They talked over and over about people looking like 'deer in headlights'.

Basically, fear is f*cking up our chances of addressing climate change.

I'm only just able to accept this now, after coming out of a fear phase myself that left me apathetic and hopeless.

* People are afraid, so they ignore the science and don't act.

* Politicians are afraid to see the science, or afraid of the voters not supporting them, so they don't act.

* Climate activists are consumed by fear and anger and burn out.

Oy. Time to work on managing fear, no?

Race, gender, sexuality, age, dis(ability) relations

Let's be clear, the first step to working through the complexity of these relations is to recognise privilege - this is where fear stops us before we get started.

When we are too afraid to see our privilege, that is, the power we have over others due to money, race, gender, sexuality, age, physical ability, we aren't able to understand how the world really works and where the solutions lie.

It also means you're probably not connected to the people that hold the solutions – those being oppressed through experiences of racism, homophobia and other types of discrimination, at individual and structural levels. 

When we are afraid to let go of power or privilege then inequalities remain strong or grow. Fear runs high, people can feel isolated, powerless and hopeless. That does not lead to good. You only have to think of ISIS to see how this unfolds, but suicide and incarceration are also painful examples. 

When we are stuck in fear, we don't really see people or problems from the root cause, we just look at the surface. To use a medical example, it's like providing endless medication for a preventable disease. You end up with people still getting sick as well as antibiotic resistance!

Fear can make us blind, ignorant and to contribute to the problems of the world.

Fear can lead us to numbing and ignoring, to putting off plans, to staying at home, to giving up. To not taking time to understand how we can make things better, even a little better. 

fear is the master saboteur.

the great news is, YOU can work well with fear to save yourself and help heal the world.

It all starts with eavesdropping on your thinking, on noticing fear thoughts and soothing yourself. Hot tip: yelling at or ignoring fear do not work!

Get Four Ways to (nicely) Crush Crappy Thoughts

Crush crappy thoughts

Then learning that fear will always be around, but that's okay. Carrying on anyway. 

My work revolves around helping people to recognise and work well with fear, so that they can 'get out of their own way' and create their ideal lives. But more than that, my ultimate purpose is to help people positively impact the world, no matter their sphere of influence. 

I've got two events coming up soon that will teach you the basics in how to work well with fear!!

Check out my Melbourne short-course with Chafia Brooks – Revive: Mind and Body – (Three Sundays from 1-3pm, you can so make time to change your life!) and my power workshop in Canberra 'Unblocked' on the 15th October, also 1-3pm.

No excuses (we know that's just fear talking). Sign up today and bring a friend!

With love,

Lara xxx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Lights on! What sets your heart on fire and why you're not doing it.

This week I caught up with an old colleague from academia. She does great research but was growing bored of her topic and starting to think about what was next.

While we were chatting she went a little off topic and spoke about having recently remembered her passion for social justice through the great examples of Martin Luther King Jr and Malcolm X. 

I got chills.

I pointed out what she just said (the conversation had since moved swiftly along) and you could see a light go on in her whole body. Like it was flooded with electricity.

Her subconscious had just thrown out an amazing clue of where she wanted to go.

Once that spark ignited, her mind was racing and a whole new range of possibilities were fighting for air time in her brain.

It was exciting, to say the least (I have chills again remembering it)!

She is a natural change-maker, drawn to helping professions, yet it seemed she had started reaching for smaller changes than the ones she really wanted to go for. Not to detract from the wonderful things she has achieved - she's awesome - it's more about where she wants to go and what she wants to do.

Later in the conversation she admitted reluctantly that she'd always thought that she had something 'big' to do in the world. 

Have you also had that thought whisper through your mind? That you might be able to live with your heart on fire doing something 'big' in this world?

I bet you have. 

So what happened?

Well, I bet that your little 'helper', the one inside us all always scanning for danger, shuts it down toute suite.

As most of you reading are likely to have your basic needs well and truly met and hopefully are not in physical danger, this hyper-vigilant part of us focuses on potential social danger. 

Heaven knows, it doesn't want you to get on anyone's bad side by not doing exactly what you've been told growing up, or subtly by those around you now. How dare you have big plans or even worse, actually start making them happen! You might make someone feel bad or not be good enough!

That 'helper' panics when you get big ideas. It might be concerned that you're getting grandiose and too big for your boots. 

Rest assured, that deep knowing you have about being able to do something 'big' is not about being grandiose.

The ideas attached to a deep knowing tend to have a different quality about them that isn't all about the ego but about following a compelling yearning (i.e. it's not about getting a super yacht or becoming a billionaire).

They are usually about:

...changing your world in some way - like knowing you can heal from intergenerational trauma and not pass it onto your children, becoming totally you, all the time, no matter what.

...changing the whole world (why not!)- fighting for a particular group in need, getting into politics, contributing to a cause, bringing a new product or piece of art to the world, or starting a revolution!

...meeting another type of soul dream, like achieving a great challenge or meeting a big goal, like climbing Mt Kilimanjaro, mastering an instrument or speaking a language fluently.

So, what are your yearnings, no matter how 'far fetched' they may seem? 

Start dreaming and now notice how fast your brain is to dismiss them as ridiculous, too hard or to bring out the big guns... the shame tapes we ALL have in our minds*:

"Who do you think you are?"

and

"You're not good enough"

We ALL have these tapes. Are you going to take them for the Truth? Or will you choose to light your heart on fire anyway?

Go get em tigers!

Love,

Lara xx

*If you're interested in learning more about shame tapes read about the American social work scholar Dr Brene Brown - these tapes come from interviewing over 10,000 people about shame. It isn't just you ;) 

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Does reading 'self-help' tips make you feel crap about your life? You're not alone.

Hi everyone,

I've been interested in personal development or ‘self-help’ for many years. It’s been a real lifesaver for me in difficult times.
 
Though I’m grateful for all I learnt, I can’t say my interest in it came from a place of self-acceptance.
 
It came from a place of feeling broken somehow and being desperate to be ‘fixed’ and to make my life perfect and stress-free, as if perfection was attainable!
 
It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that there is something wrong with us that needs fixing. That we are making mistakes with our lives, like how we use our time, what we eat, who we are with and the job we are doing. 
 
There’s so much information now and research is co-opted left, right and centre that invites us to be self-critical with how we live, always promoting a different, better way to be.
 
I don’t want to feed into that self-critical drama! I want to present an alternative:
 
You are not someone broken to be fixed.

You are a masterpiece AND a work in progress (thanks, Susan Hyatt).

Yes, you are both perfectly imperfect, and don’t need to change a hair on your head, as well as a person on a journey.
 
This is a paradox worth exploring and for me, it’s relies on self-care and kindness, as well as getting in touch with where your values lie and your dreams rest. 

Who you really are and what you really want.
 
When we are loving and kind towards ourselves, we can learn to love and accept ourselves now and also to enjoy moving towards where we yearn to be.  (You’ll be happy to know that being kind to yourself is totally backed by research – it’s soo good for you!)
 
It's a real balancing act, getting ourselves unstuck and tweaking our lives and all the while accepting ourselves, completely.
 
It’s part of what I love about coaching - clients are genuinely accepted as they are and are also given opportunities to grow and transform, should they wish. 

This sweet spot of getting to know and love yourself and getting into your zone of joy - living your purpose - is definitely something to work for.
 
The prize is joy, calmness, excitement, energy, warmth and patience for others and living into yourself and your life in ways you never dreamt possible.
 
So good!
 
You can start by thinking through what I mentioned above –

1. What do you most value? Kindness, truth, beauty, love, freedom…
2. What are your small, medium and large dreams?
3. Where are you hiding yourself in your life? Who are you when no one is looking?
4. What do you really want in life? Here’s a hint, under what we want ‘a holiday house!’ it’s really the feelings we are chasing, like with this example, it might be freedom, time with friends, to be in nature, a decent break from work, somewhere to make memories.

We had some great posts this week -

If you'd like to make the most of your evenings, check out Sunday's post here.

To learn to become your own compassion saviour, check this out.

Have a great week!

Lara
xox

P.S. If you haven't liked Set Me Free Coaching yet, please join us! 

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Ahh that's better: Telling yourself what you need to hear

So often in life when we are upset we turn to other people and things to deal with it and get us through.  

Getting support from others is a wonderful thing but they cannot always be there when we need them or find the words we need to really soothe us. 

Late in my pregnancy, I was given some brilliant advice that goes some way to solving this problem:

When the baby cries a lot and you are so weary, when it all feels hard  - talk to your baby. Tell them what you need to hear in a soothing voice (even through the screams).  

"Everything will be fine, not long now, sleep will come easily, you are doing so well, all is well". 

Human bodies are designed to relax when they hear soothing voices.

The words you say to soothe your child are also words to soothe you.

Now my daughter is much older, but this still rings true for me.

When I tell her what we need to hear, it feels like the words are coming from the wisest part of me or from some broader loving universal embrace.

It feels like a warm bath washing over me.

I'm sharing this because you can use this trick anytime YOUR heart or spirit needs soothing.

Whisper to yourself or simply think of exactly what you need to hear.

For me it might be things like 'I know this is hard/frustrating, but you're doing so well and you'll be done soon'.

It's something we all desperately need - to be our own safe haven and greatest ally. When we aren't there for ourselves, things like our phones, food, work or being crazy busy come in to smother or numb the experience.

The simple truth is that we are always there, whereas others are not, and do not and really cannot know exactly what we need to hear to be soothed in our time of stress or sadness.

Only we know exactly what will hit the spot for us and press that healing, soothing button.

It might sound funny, but this can also be applied to good things. Sometimes people may not get why something is so exciting or such a big deal for you - but you do and can have your own celebration. (Incidentally, this also hits the reward centre for your brain, so you get a dopamine hit when you praise yourself - it feels good). 

Lastly, when you know the words you need to hear, then you can help those close to you by telling them what soothes you. I've done this with my husband and it is really great for you both. Expecting people to be telepathic is not the recipe for a happy relationship!

So, try it out for yourself! Next time you are needing some support and loving words, soothe yourself with the words only you know and can share. 

With love,

Lara x

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

It's time to parent yourself better through food: Why failing to plan is planning to fail.

Although I love brainstorming about the future, this doesn't always translate into making concrete plans.

A lack of planning really brings me undone with eating. I'm not talking diets. I'm talking plain ol' eating.

Think getting hangry, eating whatever is closest, eating what makes me feel crappy but is easy, eating out more than I wanted.

Sound familiar?

You know, where you eat so many cheese and crackers or [insert your snack of choice] that you don’t even feel like dinner?!

Self-care through food planning and regular meals

No matter how (dis)interested you are in food or cooking, the fact is that food is our fuel and has a significant affect on how our bodies run.

For me, good food is not only about energy but also about how I feel emotionally.

Our guts have 80% of our serotonin stores and the nerve running from the gut to the brain controls the passage of these precious happy and soothing brain chemicals.

Unhappy tummies and intestines really affect our emotional health.

Eating well and regularly is not just about getting hangry but also the mood/energy swings of blood sugar highs and lows that stress our body (and sometimes our relationships!), our productivity at work, zap our creativity and sabotage our inner peace.

For those of us with tricky diets due to food intolerances and allergies, food takes on another level of complication and eating food that causes pain, discomfort or other unpleasant symptoms can throw off a whole day.

Given all the benefits of eating food that loves us, how many of us care for ourselves by meal planning?

Maybe you are too tired to think of planning, or you’ve tried a little and stopped for some reason. Maybe people in your household have different eating requirements or preferences, which can take cooking to the next level of complication.

There are a handful of reasons not to plan but many more to bite the bullet and dive into planning.

So I propose something radical to be more peaceful, efficient and to nourish yourself with food.

Plan every single meal, each week, in one go.

I know, I know, seems over the top, a pain in the bum, boring and so the list goes on.

Why would I bother, you ask?

• Shopping once, instead of more frequently saves time and money.
• Planning meals means less slip-ups with intolerances/allergies or nourishing eating intentions.
• More mental space for creativity, efficiency, joy and productivity.
• More time in your day and week e.g. time for a walk at lunch beyond going to the local café, no more multiple trips to the supermarket.
• Reduce food waste.
• Feeling better: more relaxed, better blood sugar regulation and smoother emotional wellbeing.

I like using a paper tool such as this weekly planner from Kikki K (on sale). Then I can keep each week and jog my memory about different meals. You’d be surprised how little time it takes to plan your weekly meals.

With all that time and mental space you’ve cleared up, you’ll be surprised and delighted by what joys start to emerge in your life.

So go on, plan one week and see how it feels? 

One less thing to think about three times a day = a lot more energy for what you want to do.

Let's go!

Lara xx

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.

Five reasons you are sabotaging your dreams and how to stop!

You know that feeling when lots of good things are happening and you wonder when something will go pear-shaped? The worry creeps in… our minds start to find problems where there aren’t any…

For some reason, once the initial celebration or joy has passed, we can feel pretty uncomfortable with life going well.

This is when our frenemy, self-sabotage, comes to visit.

Acts of self-sabotage can be large or small. It might look like binge eating after realising you’ve lost some weight. Like landing your dream job and going home and picking a fight with your partner.

For me, it looked like getting lots of coaching clients and feeling extremely happy and then having a sudden urge to be in a cave with a lot of food and a good internet connection. 

It was SO puzzling, for about a day. Then I realised what was going on. Self-sabotage. So what lies behind self-sabotage?

The Upper Limit Problem.

Gay Hendricks coined the term ‘Upper Limit Problem’. He writes ‘each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy’.  When we hit that upper limit, we self-sabotage to bring us back down to a level we are comfortable with.

It sounds crazy, but we are often more comfortable with the status quo than something better.

The upper limit is usually set in early childhood, based on the values and beliefs of our families and communities.

It’s time to shine a light on what’s really beneath it all.

There are five key ways that we undermine our successes in relationships, career, health and life in general.  

They are all based on false beliefs that feel true.

1.     We are fundamentally flawed.

People will find out that we are talentless, annoying, stupid and unlovable. It’s only a matter of time, so let’s not give them a chance.

It’s basically imposter syndrome but throughout any and every aspect of life.

2.     We will be abandoned or disloyal to significant others if our lives go really well.

This is the fear that our loved ones will ultimately reject us if we succeed in areas that they have failed in or that they disapprove of.

This fear is built on family rules and guilt.

3.     More success, bigger burden.

This belief tells us that the more we succeed in our lives, the bigger burden we will become, which links back to fear of rejection and isolation.

A classic area that comes to mind is success in looking after yourself with food intolerances. For those of us who can’t just eat anything and everything, the more we succeed in self-care, the more we can feel like a burden to those around us.

4.     Outshining.

We all know this one pretty well, especially in Australia with Tall Poppy Syndrome. There is a pretty strong cultural norm – don’t shine too bright or no one will like you. You’ll be insufferable!

But more than that, this belief says that by shining bright you will make others look or feel bad. We react to these thoughts by dimming our lights or by stopping ourselves from enjoying our success too much.

5.     Fear of pain and loss. 

I’m adding this one to Hendricks’ list, as in some areas of life the transformation that is beckoning us comes tinged with fear about future emotional pain and loss of identity, status, income and relationships. 

Fear of pain and loss comes out in people frightened of becoming parents, those undertaking a serious spiritual evolution, wanting to change careers or following other passions that push you from your comfort zone.

Hendricks outlines a range of clues that you are self-sabotaging:

·      Worrying;

·      Blame and criticism;

·      Getting sick;

·      Squabbling;

·      Hiding significant feelings;

·      Not keeping agreements; 

·      Deflecting (e.g. ignoring compliments).

So what to do?

First off, calm your body and get out of fight, flight or freeze mode. Take 10 deep belly breaths to clear your head and get your hormones humming a happier tune.

Then be in your body. Feel your feet on the floor, bum on the seat.  Try to notice one thing you can see, touch, taste, feel and smell.

Next, get curious and engage with what’s going on. Often the easiest way to get to the bottom of things is to talk with someone you trust or to write down what’s going on. Think about the different reasons for self-sabotage and see what clicks in your body or resonates with you ‘it feels true’.

Lastly, accept how your subconscious is trying to protect you, be kind to yourself about it (laugh even!) but don’t believe the fear. 

Fear's message is basically, STOP IT!

To paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert - fear will always be in the car with us, but it does not get to choose the radio station or the snacks, it does not get to give directions and most of all, it does NOT get to drive.

So go on, say hi to the fear, love it for it's good intentions and then get back to living the life you want!

If you'd like fantastic one-on-one support in overcoming self-sabotage and living the life you yearn for, drop me a line! lara@setmefree.coach

Add in the comments what your usual form of sabotage is and how you handle it!

I'd love to journey with you. 

Go gently,

Lara xox

P.S. For those of us feeling inspired, it might be time for some old-school tunes  and a sing-along. Take it away Bachelor Girl!

Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.

Connect with me via Facebook and Instagram.