I can’t tell you what a rollercoaster most days were for me for much of my life.
I regularly got whiplash from the speed in which I could go from happy to upset, fine to stressed-out or even sad to delighted.
It was tiring and unpredictable.
I felt wired and ‘too sensitive’.
Sure, I could carefully manage how I presented at work (some people remarked on me being laid back and it still makes me cackle - I never corrected them), but internally it was rocky. It left me strung out and with little left at the end of the day or week to really enjoy life to the fullest.
Even if you aren’t as changeable in mood as I was in my pre-coaching life, it’s likely that your mood is dictated by people, places and happenings around you, as well as your inner critic*.
It’s tempting to believe that there is nothing we can do except find the perfect, stress-free job with amazing colleagues and superiors who are always supportive, in a good mood and up for a giggle (or to just become perfect ourselves).
But this daydream is not possible.
What we can find are great places to work and great work that still presses our buttons, be it because we feel like a fraud, or overwhelmed, or simply very self-critical.
Almost four years ago I was bedridden for just shy of a month (and weak/unwell for sometime after it). I didn't know what was wrong with me, when or if it would stop. It was terrifying. I couldn't work, care for my daughter or really do anything except sleep and lie in bed. So how did this come about?
Well the short version is that I burned out.
My body had had enough of working hard, pushing myself like crazy, parenting, finishing a PhD and all.the.things.
I had ignored it, almost completely and just kept going.
I was sure that there were no other options and no other way to do it.
That brings me to lesson #1.
I have a steady stream of clients that cannot wait to leave their jobs.
They are done!
They've grown out of the job or their work culture is toxic.
They might crave a new challenge and a bigger impact.
But... they need to stay a little longer in their role.
It could be financial or simply in making a great exit plan to a job they will thrive in (often both!).
What I want for them and YOU is to have as much energy and confidence as possible for the next work adventure, so here are 4 things to do now.
It's no joke that work is getting more intense these days (there's research to prove it), so given what's happening in our workplaces, what can we do to protect our wellbeing, to find peace in our hectic work days?
This post is about dispelling the major myth around feeling peaceful at work AND giving you a range of ways to find peace in your day. I encourage you to pick the ones that feel good to you and give them a whirl.
Working effectively with fear can transform your relationships, career and happiness, but it's also essential for big picture work. I'm talking really big picture, like healing race relations and addressing climate change. If you want to make positive change in society, you need to know about how to work with fear. So let's get cracking, there's a world to save!
I used to think that if I read enough tips and self-help that I could fix myself and become the perfect version of me that was immune to life's challenges and the negative judgements of others. Now I really like myself (self-esteem - scandalous!), am not so fussed about set backs or others' judgements and enjoy tinkering with my life from a place of fun exploration. Some difference... read how.
You know that feeling when lots of good things are happening and you wonder when something will go pear-shaped? The worry creeps in… our minds start to find problems where there aren’t any…
For some reason, once the initial celebration or joy has passed, we can feel pretty uncomfortable with life going well.
This is when our frenemy, self-sabotage, comes to visit.
Acts of self-sabotage can be large or small. It might look like binge eating after realising you’ve lost some weight. Like landing your dream job and going home and picking a fight with your partner.
For me, it looked like getting lots of coaching clients and feeling extremely happy and then having a sudden urge to be in a cave with a lot of food and a good internet connection.
It was SO puzzling, for about a day. Then I realised what was going on. Self-sabotage. So what lies behind self-sabotage?
The Upper Limit Problem.
Gay Hendricks coined the term ‘Upper Limit Problem’. He writes ‘each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy’. When we hit that upper limit, we self-sabotage to bring us back down to a level we are comfortable with.
It sounds crazy, but we are often more comfortable with the status quo than something better.
The upper limit is usually set in early childhood, based on the values and beliefs of our families and communities.
It’s time to shine a light on what’s really beneath it all.
There are five key ways that we undermine our successes in relationships, career, health and life in general.
They are all based on false beliefs that feel true.
1. We are fundamentally flawed.
People will find out that we are talentless, annoying, stupid and unlovable. It’s only a matter of time, so let’s not give them a chance.
It’s basically imposter syndrome but throughout any and every aspect of life.
2. We will be abandoned or disloyal to significant others if our lives go really well.
This is the fear that our loved ones will ultimately reject us if we succeed in areas that they have failed in or that they disapprove of.
This fear is built on family rules and guilt.
3. More success, bigger burden.
This belief tells us that the more we succeed in our lives, the bigger burden we will become, which links back to fear of rejection and isolation.
A classic area that comes to mind is success in looking after yourself with food intolerances. For those of us who can’t just eat anything and everything, the more we succeed in self-care, the more we can feel like a burden to those around us.
4. Outshining.
We all know this one pretty well, especially in Australia with Tall Poppy Syndrome. There is a pretty strong cultural norm – don’t shine too bright or no one will like you. You’ll be insufferable!
But more than that, this belief says that by shining bright you will make others look or feel bad. We react to these thoughts by dimming our lights or by stopping ourselves from enjoying our success too much.
5. Fear of pain and loss.
I’m adding this one to Hendricks’ list, as in some areas of life the transformation that is beckoning us comes tinged with fear about future emotional pain and loss of identity, status, income and relationships.
Fear of pain and loss comes out in people frightened of becoming parents, those undertaking a serious spiritual evolution, wanting to change careers or following other passions that push you from your comfort zone.
Hendricks outlines a range of clues that you are self-sabotaging:
· Worrying;
· Blame and criticism;
· Getting sick;
· Squabbling;
· Hiding significant feelings;
· Not keeping agreements;
· Deflecting (e.g. ignoring compliments).
So what to do?
First off, calm your body and get out of fight, flight or freeze mode. Take 10 deep belly breaths to clear your head and get your hormones humming a happier tune.
Then be in your body. Feel your feet on the floor, bum on the seat. Try to notice one thing you can see, touch, taste, feel and smell.
Next, get curious and engage with what’s going on. Often the easiest way to get to the bottom of things is to talk with someone you trust or to write down what’s going on. Think about the different reasons for self-sabotage and see what clicks in your body or resonates with you ‘it feels true’.
Lastly, accept how your subconscious is trying to protect you, be kind to yourself about it (laugh even!) but don’t believe the fear.
Fear's message is basically, STOP IT!
To paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert - fear will always be in the car with us, but it does not get to choose the radio station or the snacks, it does not get to give directions and most of all, it does NOT get to drive.
So go on, say hi to the fear, love it for it's good intentions and then get back to living the life you want!
If you'd like fantastic one-on-one support in overcoming self-sabotage and living the life you yearn for, drop me a line! lara@setmefree.coach
Add in the comments what your usual form of sabotage is and how you handle it!
I'd love to journey with you.
Go gently,
Lara xox
P.S. For those of us feeling inspired, it might be time for some old-school tunes and a sing-along. Take it away Bachelor Girl!
Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.
