TW: Pregnancy and Infant loss
As we get older, we realise that life doesn't always go to plan, no matter how kind, good or loving we are.
Nothing could be more true than when a child is lost during pregnancy or in infancy.
It's just not fair and can be utterly devastating.
Miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, SIDS and the death of a newborn can impact on every aspect of a woman's life.
Everyone will respond differently, from wanting to talk about their loss and grieve openly and often, to not wanting to discuss it at all, as if it never happened.
There is no 'right' way to respond to pregnancy or infant loss for the woman or her partner experiencing it.
Together with input from a particularly wise and generous friend with personal experience (thank you, Lara Ferris) I have put together some ways for women affected and also for workplaces/colleagues.
For women working after pregnancy or infant loss:
Listen to your body about when you return to work. Go at the pace you need to.
Think about how you would like to be treated and communicate it before you get to work (if possible). Would you like people to be able to say sorry or to not mention your loss?
Your 'firsts' might be hard, like the first time you return to work when you are no longer pregnant but also don't have a baby.
Be gentle with your body, which may continue to behave as if it's carrying a baby or needs to feed or hold a baby.
Do not feel as though you have to attend baby showers or listen to stories about people's children - have an 'exit' sentence that you can use to excuse yourself and hold that boundary. It is totally okay!
Anticipate that people will often say the wrong thing...or nothing.
Learn to tell your story the way you need it to be told.
Ask for all the support you can and take space for grief.
For colleagues, managers and staff members:
Give your condolences. Don't try to look for OR share a 'silver lining'.
Ask the woman in question if she would like to talk (if this is appropriate to your relationship) or if she would prefer to carry on without mentioning her loss or experience. Ask her what would help.
Recognise that the 'firsts' will be difficult, like the first time your colleague or staff member returns to work after their loss, having previously been pregnant.
Invite people to baby showers and leaving lunches etc but don't keep inviting them, you don't know anyone's story.
Remember that grief has its own rhythm and nature. Be kind.
It doesn't mean that she isn't committed to her work or love her career - losing a pregnancy or infant is something that takes time to come to terms with.
Know that women who have a stillborn child are entitled to maternity leave. They are mothers who have lost a child and need time to grieve and recover.
Read the room: not everyone wants to hear about your pregnancy, labour, baby or child/ren.
I'm sure there is more to say but I hope this does some justice to such an important day and to such a life-changing experience for many women.
This post is dedicated to Teddie and Evelyn and the beyond wonderful women that carried, love and birthed them.
All my love,
Lara xx
Lara Corr, PhD Pronouns She/Her
Set Me Free Coaching
Get ready to love your work!
lara@setmefree.coach
