THE FREEDOM FILES
A blog by Dr Lara Corr
Why I spent so much time online as a new mum and what I would do differently next time.
New research found that mums spending time online had higher levels of anxiety. I used the internet a lot in my daughter's first year and I wanted to share what the consequences were and what I'd do differently next time (if there is one!).
With new research coming out this week saying that mums spending time online were more anxious than those that didn't, it got me thinking about how I used the internet when I was a new(ish) mum.
More importantly, it got me thinking what I'd do differently.
This is great advice for parents (mums and dads) and parents to be.
I was not one of those people that breezed into parenting and found it simple to be at home with a baby, although really, who is that person?
The first sign that being at home with a baby might be hard for me was maternity leave – the first week I was practically hanging from the ceilings!
For someone who relished feeling ‘productive’in the way our culture defines productive, it was hard to feel soooo ‘unproductive’ as a new parent.
It was such an adjustment to run by my baby’s body clock (‘nature time’) rather than the industrial clock our world now abides by.
It was so frustrating to get one thing done a day, if I was lucky. To not know what the next day or week would hold. SO MANY FREAKIN’ WONDER WEEKS!
I was tired and lonely. I missed being with my colleagues and socialising with friends that were now on different time schedules.
So I went online. A lot.
Being on the phone made me feel like I was doing SOMETHING all those hours when I was feeding and I was online every time I breastfed her.
Seeing the online world made me feel more like I was out in that world and a part of it, like I was socialising enough for me.
On the big plus side, being online exposed me to some cracking parenting blogs (I can highly recommend Janet Lansbury) and meant I could share the highs, lows and puzzles of early parenting through my Baby Centre birth month forum. The Raising Children’s Network gave me access to evidence-based information to relieve anxiety in decision-making. I shared photos and videos with people I loved around the world.
These are all the beautiful parts of being online, the parts that make life that much better and easier.
The thing was though, that I wasn’t just online for reasons of fun, interest or purpose.
I was online because it was easy, because it was habit and because I could numb out all the frustration, loneliness and boredom of early parenting through that handy escape.
This is fine for every now and then, but when ongoing it starts to interrupt the critical self-care and makes life that much harder.
Instead of problem solving and fixing or adapting to what we are struggling with in our lives, we just keep checking-out online.
In particular, always reaching for the phone when I wasn’t interacting with my baby* meant that I slept less and found it harder to get to sleep.
We all know how well we go with crappy sleep. Everything becomes really hard.
Being online a lot also meant I wasn’t proactive about easing my isolation and really wasn’t in touch with how difficult I was finding things. This meant I spent a lot of time without the support I needed, and could have found, had I reached out.
Lastly, it meant that my life wasn’t where it could have been in terms of getting the day to day stuff done which makes it run more smoothly.
So for me – and I’m not saying we’re all like this – being online a lot made me more tired and stressed, more out of touch with my needs and less inclined to make my life the way I wanted and needed it to be.
So what would I do differently next time, should I be so lucky? (There are a million things, but here are a few relevant snippets)
· Go online when it was the most loving choice for me – for actual fun, connection or for a purpose, not to escape or numb.
· Seek out as much connection and support as I need, in whatever form I can, whenever I can. Shamelessly!
· I would turn off the phone and have good quality rest or sleep whenever an opportunity arose.
· If I’m having a problem with something, I’d write about it, talk about it and try to work it out, rather than assuming that now I’ve got a baby I just have to put up with everything. We really do have a lot of choice, even with the new constraints.
· I’d be more careful with my thinking and language (crazy sleepless brain willing). I hope I’d look more at what is happening e.g. I’m tired and the baby is crying, and jump less to my old dramatic thoughts that make me feel AWFUL, like ‘this is a nightmare’ ‘I can’t cope’ and ‘this is too hard’.
Above all, I would endeavour to choose things that create joy in my life and leave me feeling better than when I started, wherever possible.
Choosing things that are easy but leave you feeling crappy, is a recipe for blahhhh.
So those are my reflections, I hope that they validate your experiences and/or help out people living this now and in the future. For those of you that didn’t experience any of this, you can just feel really smug ;)
If you’re feeling blah for more than a week, do tell your maternal and child health nurse and your GP, look up Beyondblue , COPE and call PANDA. Funding has been cut but there is still a lot of support around.
Lots of love to all
Lara
xxx
* Don't worry y'all, I spent LOADS of quality interaction time with my wee gal, I just grabbed the phone any time she was asleep, in the pram, not looking... She actually didn't get any screen time except through Skype until after two. So yeah, I was all about the ol' double standard!!
Hi, I'm Dr Lara Corr, life coach and researcher in work and wellbeing. I coach successful 30 and 40 somethings who want more fulfilling or bigger careers but doubt themselves and their options. I help them get out of their own way, find direction and go for what they really want.
Find SET ME FREE on facebook
previous blog posts
-
May 2024
- May 10, 2024 Where ADHDers shine or struggle as managers at work. May 10, 2024
-
March 2023
- Mar 3, 2023 Work-life balance is never going to happen. Mar 3, 2023
-
November 2022
- Nov 2, 2022 'Be realistic' is terrible advice for women. Nov 2, 2022
- Nov 2, 2022 Stuck on making a decision about your work-life? Nov 2, 2022
-
February 2022
- Feb 24, 2022 What do you need today? Feb 24, 2022
- Feb 24, 2022 Increasing your confidence at work - starting today. Feb 24, 2022
- Feb 24, 2022 Do you need a time-management reset at work? Feb 24, 2022
- Feb 24, 2022 What are your 'Greatest Hits' that bring you down? Feb 24, 2022
-
November 2021
- Nov 11, 2021 The feeling of 'not enough' at work. Nov 11, 2021
- Nov 11, 2021 Happiness fatigue at work Nov 11, 2021
- Nov 11, 2021 Get to know your patterns of procrastination (avoidance) at work Nov 11, 2021
- Nov 11, 2021 Parental burnout versus professional burnout Nov 11, 2021
- Nov 11, 2021 How to feel worthy of your dream job. Nov 11, 2021
-
October 2021
- Oct 22, 2021 Work and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day Oct 22, 2021
- Oct 22, 2021 Have you heard of the River of Misery? Oct 22, 2021
- Oct 22, 2021 Why is it so hard to believe good things about yourself? Oct 22, 2021
- Oct 22, 2021 What if you never feel like it? Oct 22, 2021
-
September 2021
- Sep 30, 2021 An easy mistake that you might be making at work (and how to avoid it!). Sep 30, 2021
-
June 2021
- Jun 27, 2021 Dealing with overwhelm at work. Jun 27, 2021
-
June 2019
- Jun 4, 2019 Upset, frustrated or stressed at work? You MUST hear this. Jun 4, 2019
-
May 2019
- May 21, 2019 What I learned from major burn out. May 21, 2019
- May 14, 2019 Thriving in your job while you're waiting to leave. May 14, 2019
- May 1, 2019 4 ways to make work more peaceful. May 1, 2019
-
November 2018
- Nov 28, 2018 Finish your work on a high for 2018! Nov 28, 2018
- Nov 21, 2018 Meet your potential at work in three steps Nov 21, 2018
- Nov 14, 2018 How to tell if your workplace is out of whack. Nov 14, 2018
- Nov 3, 2018 Dreaming about having a different job? Nov 3, 2018
-
October 2018
- Oct 25, 2018 3 ways to cope with backlash from shining. Oct 25, 2018
- Oct 3, 2018 You can’t afford to ignore this at work. Oct 3, 2018
-
August 2018
- Aug 15, 2018 100,000 hours of work... Aug 15, 2018
- Aug 3, 2018 What you must know about jealousy at work. Aug 3, 2018
-
July 2018
- Jul 26, 2018 The recipe to a happy working life. Jul 26, 2018
- Jul 18, 2018 Stop using self-criticism as motivation. Jul 18, 2018
- Jul 12, 2018 Why don't you act on all those revelations you have? Jul 12, 2018
- Jul 5, 2018 "I just want to feel like I'm on the right path" Jul 5, 2018
- Jul 5, 2018 "I don't want to seem like I'm up myself" Jul 5, 2018
-
June 2018
- Jun 16, 2018 Ask the right people... here they are! Jun 16, 2018
-
May 2018
- May 23, 2018 There is help for your path all around you! May 23, 2018
- May 3, 2018 Can you beat your inner critic? May 3, 2018
-
April 2018
- Apr 19, 2018 What you need to know about confidence. Apr 19, 2018
- Apr 13, 2018 You are not a perfect robot (and that's good news) Apr 13, 2018
-
March 2018
- Mar 30, 2018 Live the Sh*t out of Your Life Mar 30, 2018
-
February 2018
- Feb 9, 2018 What's your big project? Feb 9, 2018
-
December 2017
- Dec 19, 2017 Four questions to help you finish 2017 with a bang! Dec 19, 2017
- Dec 13, 2017 Stop looking up and start looking sideways for your next career move Dec 13, 2017
-
November 2017
- Nov 22, 2017 Want to find your purpose? It's easier than you think. Nov 22, 2017
- Nov 9, 2017 Fertility, work and having an incredible life Nov 9, 2017
-
October 2017
- Oct 26, 2017 What to do when you don't want your calling. Oct 26, 2017
- Oct 19, 2017 What to do when you don't know what to say about gender, 'race' and other big issues. Oct 19, 2017
- Oct 11, 2017 One facet of mental health you must know about. Oct 11, 2017
- Oct 5, 2017 Bring spring into your life Oct 5, 2017
-
September 2017
- Sep 29, 2017 How to thrive in competitive work environments. Sep 29, 2017
- Sep 20, 2017 Finding peace in your crazy work day. Sep 20, 2017
- Sep 8, 2017 Is body confidence holding you back at work? Sep 8, 2017
-
August 2017
- Aug 23, 2017 You landed your dream job, now what? Aug 23, 2017
- Aug 18, 2017 Sometimes, it's all about the in-betweener. Aug 18, 2017
-
July 2017
- Jul 30, 2017 Great work friends aren't enough. Jul 30, 2017
- Jul 23, 2017 Making life more fulfilling is easier than you think. Jul 23, 2017
- Jul 14, 2017 Work should add to your life, not drain it. Jul 14, 2017
- Jul 8, 2017 Is your workplace welcoming? Jul 8, 2017
-
June 2017
- Jun 30, 2017 Stop thinking about work and reclaim your nights! Jun 30, 2017
- Jun 23, 2017 Five steps to feeling fabulous with your work look. Jun 23, 2017
- Jun 2, 2017 Are you being an adult or a child in your life? Jun 2, 2017
-
May 2017
- May 26, 2017 What to do when you hate your work - your action plan May 26, 2017
- May 19, 2017 The reason for all your bad habits (you might be surprised!) May 19, 2017
- May 12, 2017 One quick fix to make everything better. May 12, 2017
- May 4, 2017 Truth time: Is it possible to 'leave work at work'? May 4, 2017
-
April 2017
- Apr 28, 2017 The million dollar question - what can you really do? Apr 28, 2017
- Apr 20, 2017 The real 'enemy' we all need to fight immediately. Apr 20, 2017
- Apr 13, 2017 Put away the whip - find an approach to motivation that works Apr 13, 2017
-
March 2017
- Mar 31, 2017 Stop letting work define your worth. Mar 31, 2017
- Mar 24, 2017 Words to bring you back to yourself (a love note to you) Mar 24, 2017
- Mar 17, 2017 The opinion you need when you're taking a risk. Mar 17, 2017
- Mar 10, 2017 What to do when life seems unclear: Five things you can do right now. Mar 10, 2017
-
February 2017
- Feb 16, 2017 A hilarious (and useful) confidence boost at work. Feb 16, 2017
- Feb 10, 2017 Must do emotional prep before your next career move. Feb 10, 2017
- Feb 3, 2017 Make your work day more fun and meaningful (while you find something better). Feb 3, 2017
-
January 2017
- Jan 28, 2017 Want to leave your job? Three things to get from it before you move on. Jan 28, 2017
- Jan 12, 2017 Five things every workspace needs (especially if you hate your job) Jan 12, 2017
- Jan 6, 2017 "Oh, I'd never do that just for me": Screw that, you're worth it. Jan 6, 2017
- Jan 2, 2017 Dreading going back to work? Read this. Jan 2, 2017
-
December 2016
- Dec 26, 2016 You rocked this year: Time to pat yourself on the back Dec 26, 2016
- Dec 16, 2016 Let it go: What is it time to drop in 2017? Dec 16, 2016
- Dec 2, 2016 Why you need never worry about failure again. Dec 2, 2016
-
November 2016
- Nov 25, 2016 "It's too late to change careers" and other lies we tell ourselves. Nov 25, 2016
- Nov 17, 2016 Why you should keep your day job (while you go for the business your dreams). Nov 17, 2016
-
September 2016
- Sep 11, 2016 Listening to ourselves is scary but the alternative is terrifying Sep 11, 2016
- Sep 5, 2016 Busy? What you must include in your day to stay healthy and happy. Sep 5, 2016
-
August 2016
- Aug 31, 2016 Lost loves: What have you given up that you loved doing? Aug 31, 2016
- Aug 21, 2016 How to do what you want (but don't get around to) Aug 21, 2016
- Aug 18, 2016 How understanding fear can help you save the world (I'm serious). Aug 18, 2016
- Aug 14, 2016 Sliding doors: The small choices that make or break us Aug 14, 2016
- Aug 10, 2016 (Dis)comfort zones: The crappy things we choose every day. Aug 10, 2016
- Aug 7, 2016 What the hell is a life coach? (Hint: It's not what you think) Aug 7, 2016
- Aug 3, 2016 How to be ambitious without being an as*hole Aug 3, 2016
-
July 2016
- Jul 27, 2016 Are you sensitive? Why it matters. Big time. Jul 27, 2016
- Jul 17, 2016 The three keys to dealing with worry. Jul 17, 2016
- Jul 13, 2016 Do you share these regrets? Jul 13, 2016
- Jul 10, 2016 Ever thought you'd like to be a superhero? Well here's your chance! Jul 10, 2016
- Jul 6, 2016 What I know for sure. Eight principles that will transform your life. Jul 6, 2016
-
June 2016
- Jun 29, 2016 What are you avoiding? It's costing you. Jun 29, 2016
- Jun 26, 2016 Five ways to survive political uncertainty without losing your mind. Jun 26, 2016
- Jun 22, 2016 What to do when others don't want you to change: Snap-back attack! Jun 22, 2016
- Jun 8, 2016 Do you ever really switch off? Why it needs to be your top priority. Jun 8, 2016
- Jun 5, 2016 How to be mindful when you're online. Jun 5, 2016
-
May 2016
- May 31, 2016 Joy signpost #2: What can't you shut up about?! May 31, 2016
- May 28, 2016 Why I spent so much time online as a new mum and what I would do differently next time. May 28, 2016
- May 25, 2016 Everything is great except... what behaviour(s) are you holding onto and why? May 25, 2016
- May 22, 2016 Lights on! What sets your heart on fire and why you're not doing it. May 22, 2016
- May 18, 2016 How time online could make you happier May 18, 2016
- May 16, 2016 Does reading 'self-help' tips make you feel crap about your life? You're not alone. May 16, 2016
- May 15, 2016 Four ways to have a kick ass night, every night. May 15, 2016
- May 12, 2016 Ahh that's better: Telling yourself what you need to hear May 12, 2016
- May 4, 2016 It's time to parent yourself better through food: Why failing to plan is planning to fail. May 4, 2016
- May 1, 2016 #truthbomb - Your morning routine sucks - what to do instead of being on your phone May 1, 2016
-
April 2016
- Apr 28, 2016 Five ways to find your passions, chase joy (and easily get out of your rut) Apr 28, 2016
- Apr 26, 2016 Procrastinators, unite! A fun clip you need watch right now Apr 26, 2016
- Apr 20, 2016 Five tricks to feeling great next time you're online Apr 20, 2016
- Apr 15, 2016 Mindful eating: Ultimate toddler challenge edition Apr 15, 2016
- Apr 10, 2016 Five reasons you are sabotaging your dreams and how to stop! Apr 10, 2016